Katie Schwartz

This afternoon I started my menses. Last night, I was in crampsnatchville. Today, the cramps are very heating pad friendly and the flow is steady as she womb rolls . No clotting. No tempests. Just standard menstrual happenings in flangette town. Tonight I am prepared for a war zone and believe you me, I will win the war. According to Spinner.com , LL Cool J's pre-concert peenyquirements are "(1) small bottle of Johnson & Johnson Baby Oil and 24 long stem de-thorned roses". Let me tell you why I love him so hard for this, he's creating a romantic masturbatory experience and sharing it with the world. The visuals are fabulous. I imagine he dims the lights. Stands in front of the mirror and slowly takes off his shirt, smirking at his reflection and gushing at the image of himself. He watches himself jerk off and cum into each rosebud. It's just a hunch, ahhhkay. According to rumor, his cock is otherworldly huge, like vadgey run for your life huge. Speaking of coc...

This Thursday, November 15th, don't miss Amy Guth's The Fixx Reading Series ! Here's the dish from Ames , pay attention, children. That's your cue to be good listeners. That was my big teacher moment. I've always wanted to have one, I just envisioned it would be with a man... Wait, I'm getting sidetracked - FOCUS, PLEASE. The Fixx Reading for this month has been thoughtfully moved forward as to not get lost in the shuffle. So, that means that you can get your lit fixx this Thursday, November 15th @ 7:30pm with this month's guests : John Sheppard author of Small Town Punk and Renee Rosen author of Every Crooked Pot The Fixx Coffee Bar 3053 N Sheffield Ave. Chicago, IL Please note that due to various winter holidays, there will be no reading in December but a stunningly awesome January event, to be sure. You heard the broad, get your Fixx, peeps. Great authors. Great host. What's bad?! Bupkas that's what. Run like a dawg this Thursday night.

Of course you've heard of the writer's strike , you're not writetarded. Make no mistake this is a no-joke ishy of epic proportions. The writers are in the right. Writers are asking for 4 cents . 4 cents-- that's it. The networks and studios would rather lose millions of dollars every day than pay 4 cents. This makes sense to you?! Oy vey. Check out this fantastic video Why We Fight , first discovered on my favey new site Very Hot Jews . Shows are shutting down . The ripple is in full effect. Producers and below the line peeps are being laid off and fired. Authors scheduled to promote their books on late night can't. So many financial hardships could result from this mishogos. All this ahj is worth not forking over 4 cents?! I have nothing to say and everything to tawk. I found a fabylicious interview with Joe Medeiros head writer for The Tonight Show. Oh, wait, not done yet, and equally juicyviews with writer/producers Judd Apatow, James Brooks and Gary Shandlin...

The Jewish Reconnection Project is spearheaded by Todd Schechter. Todd said, "The video is the first in a web-only mini series I produced called the Jewish Reconnection Project. It shows young Jews in New York and Jerusalem talking to each other and sharing how their Judaism affects their lives. It's meant to give viewers a sense of the diversity of Jews around the world and to let college age people express their own ideas about Judaism. Ultimately, we hope that helping disparate groups of Jews understand each other will make for a stronger, healthier Jewish community. New episodes will come out every Wednesday for the next six weeks." It's a six part series that you can view on their site or over at YouTube (links below). I've posted the first installment Chance for Peace . The other installments are Morally Damaged , Our Promised Land , Jewish Enough , Necessary Criteria and A Place to Call Home . I watched the videos (5-6 minutes a pop. Ya'can't spa...

This lovely asspalace cost a mere 1.2 million dollars. It's being built by Sim Jae-duck, chairman of the World Toilet Association . I had no idea that an actual toilet association existed. Oh, but it super does, complete with a delightful anal stimulating photo gallery . There's even a world toilet college . Just what I always wanted, an advanced degree in shit. Outside of fetishists, who would dream of becoming a shit erector? They even have a section dedicated to toilet entertainment . WTA must think we're shittards. Every savvy shitter I know fills their bathroom with the latest and greatest in shitware. Lucky us, they have games, too! Catch a shit and Toilet Trouble Quiz were topping my list until I discovered Bathroom Chemistry Quiz: Do you know what’s in your toilet? I digress, I'm a shittard. Hi. Keenly aware of all the anal mishigos that goes on in my porcelain goddess. Here are some excerpts from the article Mr Toilet Nears Completion of Commode-Shaped House...

I am the first to admit that I have a hearty, robust laugh. I live to laugh. It's my drug of choice. I howl and even snort at times. With all of those laughoibles, I have never been told that my laugh was unfuckable . EVAH. Today, I witnessed an unfuckable, haunting laugh. A laugh so high pitched, so duplicitous and so from-the-neck cackley (not the womb, which is much deeper and more authentic), I wanted to vomit. No, run. No, vomit. No, run. Both. Yes, both. This broad exploited and perverted laughter. It was an atrocity. She couldn't be stopped. She laughed mid-bad-joke and at no-joke . She abused laughter, reviled it and stripped it of integrity. I am appalled, shaken and disgusted. PS: This bag'a bones keeps landing easy-on-the-eyes peen and with a laugh gone so shamefully awry. Oy vey. PSS: I can also report that she laughs in front of her peeny suitors. I wonder if they're deaf.

Oy, so much to say. Ahhhkay-- my darling Virgo (love'ha), hooked me up with a menses link that seriously took my wig off today. You know what a menstrual maven I am. Metaformia, A Journal of Menstruation and Culture . When I logged on, it was love at first sight. I needed this today (thank you, Virg). Can I just tell you that Metaformia is a lip smackin' literary menses feast for the soul. There are articles, essays and poems. The poem I read today was so perfect. The blood we don't discuss, the blood that gets no love. Run. Read. Now: All Blood is Menstrual Blood by Judy Grahn . I started linkdating VeryHotJews today. Super Jewey noshables. Run. Read. Now. My father sent me a facebook friend request. It was sweet and funny in a new-millennium-dad-like-sort-of-way . My darling DrugNazi (love him), sent me a snippet of Christian dish (thank you, bubbie) that made no fuckin' sense to me and seems like very anti-zealy behavior. The Christian Nudist Convocation ( CNC ) ...