Katie Schwartz

this is brilliant!!! standing ovation brilliant, ahhhkay! Huffington Post 6/1/06 Philip Slater: Wed May 31, 4:38 PM ET Thoughtful Americans have long wondered how it is that fundamentalist Christians--followers of someone who preached pacifism and tolerance--became the poster boy for hate speech, touting "moral values" indistinguishable from those of the Taliban. They wonder why, for example, fundamentalist Christians so seldom quote from the New Testament--which is supposedly what Christianity is all about--but prefer citing the Torah and Old Testament prophets. One reason is that the Old Testament is full of murder, vindictiveness, and genocide--all supposedly ordered by God. So when fundamentalists want a Biblical excuse for hate speech and hate crimes--which they seem to need with considerable frequency--they turn to Old Testament sources. Christian homophobes, for example, carry signs saying 'God hates fags', which they justify by claiming that Leviticus 18:22 (c...

Bush backs federal marriage amendment "Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society," Bush said in his Saturday radio address. "Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society." our bush... he's so brilliant, isn't he? who isn't proud of bush's politics and presidential prowess?! I mean, wow. of course it's an absolute fact that the welfare of children rests in the hands of a man and woman being married. duh! these male-female marriages are a terrific influence on society and provide children with epic stability. it's not like a hefty percentage of kids who come from heterosexual marriages have and continue to be victimized by verbal / physical abuse, alcoholism, and sexual abuse. only 40% of marriages end in divorce. plus, men and women can g...

at least I logged a few hours of sleep. I can claim that, which is a good thing. insomnia sucks so hard. I was talking to my dad the other day about louie jew and he asked me how much his surgery was. I told him that with everything, including the vet visit to find out he needed the tplo surgery was, $4,500. here is the conversation: dad: (in a snarky wise ass tone) why didn't you just put him down? katie: when you needed open heart surgery, did I say, let's just put him down? no! gaaahhhd. dad/katie: eruption of laughter ensues. I sleep with the kitchen light on every single night for two of the most neurotic reasons known to man. #1) I am terrified I will walk into the kitchen and see creepy crawly cock-sucking-roaches, which I don't even have in the first place. but, for some queer ass reason, I am convinced the light keeps them away. #2) I fear that louie needs a path to see where his water bowl is. because it's not like he's operating on thousands of years of s...

this week one of my oldest and bestest friends who I've known for 25-years, called me. the conversation went like this: l: kates, I'm bisexual. k: good for you, you ambisextrous diva. is this a new noshing interest or have you always been keen on pussy and just never told me? l: no. it's new. k: care to elaborate? l: this past year I've developed an attraction to women. last weekend when I went out with some girlfriends, this hot blonde approached me and was flirting with me. next thing you know, we're on her bed 69'ng. k: I see. was there a working up to this (phase) or did you just mainline the taco? l: I went straight for the pussy. k: hey, you know what you want and you're not afraid to go for it. I think it's great. so, are you's two dating? l: no. just fucking. I'm addicted to her. k: this surprises you, miss ocd?! the rest of the conversation would just bore you....

today, I been doin' some thinking. I'm not a proponent of thinking or reading. both squeeze me up inside my head and spin me. the cliche, knowledge is power. for some, sure, but for me, it's a curse. seeing as I can't live without either, there's no question that I am, on some level, a voracious-hedonistic-submissive-bottom. everyone's got a shortcoming. it was the clog in my sink and buying extra-strength draino that got me to thinking. I chose the buchest strength they had. I dumped the entire bottle into my sink and watched the gel sift through the water and bubble at the drain. an hour later when I returned to the sink, it was empty, so I turned on the hot water faucet and ran it hard. I watched the water effortlessly slide down the drain and erase the memory of being clogged. and, I thought, outside of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills and mood stabilizers, which I don't need, it's too bad there isn't a draino to erase the tiresome issues tha...

I was thinking... I have so many queer ass nicknames for my dog. here's the list: jewcifer haglette the hellnine shaggels louie jew buglet buglet wuglet shagamuffin shagaboombas (that's one of my best friend's nickname for louie) shags hag haganini schwartzy putz prick schmuck

if I don't stop sneezing and harkin and shmarkin, I'm gonna rip the sinuses right out of my mother fuckin cock suckin head. (oh, the ironies) I called my allergist and asked him if he could do a sinusectamy. apparently you need your sinuses. whatever. do you honestly think I'd miss sneezing? I have been up since 4AM sneezing like it's the last fucking time my nose will EVER have the opportunity to sneeze. do allergies fall under the stigmata umbrella? would be nice to benefit from said sneeze fests. I've got antihistamines strapped to my body at all times and no matter how many I pop, I still can't stop sneezing. If one more god damned mud fucking hippy suggests thistle berry, I'm going to scream. I didn't know that gout was caused by eating rich foods. I collect archie comic books. mr. weatherbee's got it something awful. cormac brown has a very funny short essay about the spider protocol in his house. he doesn't whack them. read it. I wonder if...