Saturday, July 21, 2007

I have issues

I am core ocd about these christian blogs, yo. I'm bored senseless with them, too. I'm fascinated by the routines, the homemaking, the demure clothing, the submissiveness and the no joke worshipping. sure. it's all in the name of research for something I'm writing (they'll hate it).

still. I would love just once to see something like, I fucked my husband like mary magdalen last night. or. I'm so fuckin bored with my routine, I want to spit twice and die. or would it kill my husband to let me make a fuckin' decision? or what about A SKIRT ABOVE THE KNEE AND A HEEL. FOR THE LOVE, BABY. come on! throw me a bone. I know you want to. I just know it. I know it. I feel it. you know you want to cut loose for 5 minutes. go for it! scream. yell. rant. rave. whore yourself. suck random cock through a glory hole. tell your son to fall in love with a fabulous ginger peen.

ps: jesus was one seriously hot frum boy.

I have to write now. hacky bitch that I am. I need to quit putzin' around. woman up and make it happen.


Miss Smack said...

Your salvation lays with Captain Smack. Go forth and visit his wondrous site.

much luv

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Shhh! Jewgirl! Don't give our secrets away to the goyim.

Dale said...

Where is Jesus getting his hair done? What those highlights do to bring out his eyes is miraculous. Should I stop having the grey ones put in my hair?

Beth said...

I find these women sad, knowing that they have to suppress their very being, the core of who they are, in order to follow what they believe. But this isn't what Christianity is all about. That's what cults are all about. I've seen part of an episode of "Big Love." I know what I'm talking about.

And that Jesus dude. Have you ever seen a hotter, more European-looking Jewboy in your life?

KELSO'S NUTS said...

You all know that whoever it was that was crucified next to Dismas and the other guy, looked like your basic Sephard from Yemen with curly hair and a much darker complexion. [He probably wore Speedo bikini briefs and a 24K gold+diamond Chai and REALLY STRONG cologne, too, and was partners with a couple of his boyz from Nazareth in an electronics and tchotchke shop]

He got the idea for his theory of universal brotherhood after he realized he had been calling all of the customers who bought Rolex knockoffs "my friend"

Mountjoy said...

I'm contemplating using that image as my wallpaper at work for a week, just to see what reaction I get.

Bubs said...

Put a cowboy hat and some dark glasses on him and he'd make a fine poker player.

madam z said...

Okay, Jewgirl, you asked for it! When I was married to my first husband, who was, to put it gently, a MALE CHAUVENIST ASSHOLE PIG, I used to secretly fuck other men just so I could get even with MCAP, even though he didn't know it. But none of them knew anything about a woman's anatomy except where to insert their selfish pricks. Then I met DOYLE, who was like 100 of your "Scotsmen" rolled into one luscious, lascivious, lava-licking tongue that drove me mad with lust. We sucked and fucked, licked and fricked, stroked and stoked the flames that eventually consumed me, in every secret hideaway that we could find, for one whole year, until MCAP caught me after the act and kicked me out of our house and Doyle dumped me for another whore. I landed in the toilet, where I resided for three years, until I was rescued by the man I will love forever, and never, ever, betray, my second, and final, husband.

madam z said...

Oh dear! I just realized that my "comment" had nothing to do with the basic subject matter of the day, which, I think was about being irreverent. So I will add that I enjoyed and agreed with Dale and Kelso's nuts about the Europeanization of Jesus's features in Christian art. If J. ever existed, he probably looked more like Saddaam Hussein than the English bookseller in his portraits. And yeah, bubs, he'd probably kick your ass at poker!

Evil Spock said...

Evil Spock should try to avoid your blog during work hours.

KELSO'S NUTS said...


The "Gunslinger" I have referred to on my blog has beaten you to the punch on the Jesus-With-Cowboy-Hat-And-Glasses.

His real name is David Bach. Check out his profile on and

David even comes across a little Jesus-like in his interview before his final table at the LA Poker Classic. Video is on those site. In it he tells interviewer he'll use the money to pay for a kidney replacement for his father (which he did) and gives a brief sound-bite criticizing USA health-care mess.

Coaster Punchman said...

Y'all are blaspheming Jesus. Everyone knows he was white. Especially the Mormons. Sheesh.

Bubs said...

C.P. thank you. I think He was cleaner looking, too.

Madam Z said...

Yo, jewgirl. You asked for my blog url... it is

Unfortunately, I gave up on it after a few posts, back in April. It seemed like I was pissing in the ocean. I have no idea how to interest anyone in reading my ramblings. I envy your wild, wacky, fearless style. But I'm going to try again. I'll just pretend I have been in a coma for three months. Duh! It just occurred to me that I could put the address at the bottom of my next 6S.

BTW, what does "frum" mean? And "peen?" And "ocd?"

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Madam Z:

I would be honored to visit your blog. If you like putting in your time on this pirate ship, your blog must be the shit. Ip-so-fact-o-and-QE-motherfucking-D.

Work for dough, blog for show. Hell, blog for yourself. It's nice to have a record of your musings even if la fucking verga de la gente de los "internets" te visiten, pue'. Sorry, I've just gone native in this weird way and blogging is the only time I write English, so Spanish keeps creeping in.

I write about politics and sports and stuff and nobody gives a fuck. I don't care. I'll move more money in one hand of Omaha than WONKETTE'll move in a lifetime. I write for me on mine and here because I like the crew.

I'm off to pay Z a call.

jewgirl said...

honeysmack, my diva, you are my savior. I fucking loved that website. you are such a goddess!

jewgirl said...

aww, kelsey said goyim. I love when the athiest jew goes super jew.

jewgirl said...

dale, that is the most cock sucking worthy comment of the year. I am howling.

jewgirl said...

bethy, I am so with you on all fronts. I completely agree. it isn't christianity. it is in fact a cult.

please, jesus was one super hot frum boy.

jewgirl said...

kelso, you're like the gamblin' heeblette of doom right now.

jewgirl said...

so, mj, did you use it? the feedback was?

jewgirl said...

madamz, you make me melt. you are one hot, fuckin dame, sister.

jewgirl said...

spockalish, ooh, I guess I'm not work safe. awww, really?

jewgirl said...

that's my cp!!!!!

jewgirl said...

madamz, you need to update that blog. I hit it. I want updates. post, z, post.

Amy Guth said...


Schwartzeleh, you kill me!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Wow, "The gamblin Heblette of doom..." I can't say I've ever had higher praise. We've done some damage in 2006 and 2007. What a couple of years to do damage. 2006: a year in which PROHIBITION came back. Outside of Las Vegas, Atlantic City, the racetracks, and various Indian casinos it is now illegal to gamble in the Unites States Of Embarrassment.

That poor excuse for pile of protoplasm who pretends to occupy the Oval Office signed the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act in law in October of 2006, causing a majority of men to vote Deomocratic for the first time in many moons. The lying sack of shit who does a fairly decent Mexican-American impersonation of John Mitchell had until July 1, 2007 to provide guidelines as to the enforcement of said prohibition. By July 11, 2007, the Beaner came through big time. Indicting all of the participants in the fake terror thingies in the UK and at JFK plus a number of online, off-shore wagering sites for money-laundering in the aid of terrorism.

Among the charges were that the Brooklyn-based homeless Al-Qaida sympathizer laundere money by making what used to be legal wagers at the Thistledown racetrack outside Cleveland. Now, this is absurd on its face because the pools are so small at Thistledown that Kelso cannot wager on races there for fear of betting against his own moneu.

How is a terrorist supposed to launder enough money to buy a Swiss Army Knife betting at Thistledown let along serious ordnance?

Well, no matter. Kelso got a heads-up on all this two years ago from his rad attorneys in NYC and when it became clear that Kelso was disposible and the United States Of Embarassment desired neither his compnay nor his taxes, Kelso took the hint and moved to points South.

No, dear jewgirl, for Kelso it was never about "compulsive gambling." Belive, dahlin, a sex and drug jones provides plenty of opportunity for escitement. I use advanced mathematics and computer modeling to derive mispriced betting opportunities and it has been a wonderful career, one which Kelso wished to continue persuing legally. Nothing exciting about it. Like watching paint dry. Poker's a different story but that's a side thing that throws off money to pay the maid, the cook, the maintainance, etc, etc.

Kelso is a tough little Jew but his approach to gambling has more to do with The Theory Of Fiannce than it does with The Bloodhound Of Broadway.

I hope that clarifies things somewhat. I will gladly email you shuuid you wish to know anymore, so long my privacy is maintained.

But I now have three questions still dangling (had to get sex in there somewhere on this blog to be sure). (1) From which neighborhood in Brooklun do you come? [You alreaddy know I'm from pre-gentrified Chelsea]? (2) Were you shocked by my tale -- post 12 -- on Fallujatini? Did it put your "wants-and-needs" theory to the test in other words? (3) Why does my occasional use of Yiddish call into question my atheism?

I am a proud Jew. When I was 11 or 12 or so, I asked my father why we were Jewish when we didn't believe in God or go to shul or keep kosher? He told me "none of that matters; we have to be Jewish until the last anti-semite is dead." He's fluent in Yiddish and Russian but out of respect for my mother (old-fashioned German Jewish ancestry) who only spoke English all we got was a couple of hundred Russian and Yiddish words.

I see a connection between the language of the Ashkenaz and my identity but i don't see a particular connection between the language of my ancestors and a Cloud Being whose existence I can't verify.

And because this is the jewgirl's blog, I will sign off and excercise my right to take my shvantz out of my Brooks Brothers sixe 34, Oxford cloth boxer shorts, lube it up copiously and slam away as I fantasize about the kind of fuck I love with a Jewish woman -- filthy: lots of cunt eating and asshole licking and hard, abusive penetration and hair pulling and burying my cock where I please and using the word "cunt" and the cunt itself and asshole and mouth until I'm leche'd out and stinking. And maybe I might even think about sucking my lechugo right out of my imginary lover and despositing elsewhere on her for maximum filth. Or just wipe my shvantz off between two beautiful tits.

And I'll do it for real tomorrow night with one or more Colombianas de no se donde:: Baranaquilla, Bogota, Cali, or Medellin. If I'm lucky I'll catch a judia here from one of those fine cities.

Good night to all and to all a good night. But, fuck-me-sideways, back to gambling. I can't just drift off to dreamland after echando el leche. It's back to the grindstone because the weekend Euro, PGA and LPGA tournament matchups need done and wagered upon.

Madam Z said...

I have been sidelined with the ague for a couple of days, but am now clawing myself up to the light again. I am going to update my lame blog RIGHT NOW! Thank you for the encouragement, Jewgirl.

Miss Smack said...

hey mate. I upset one of your readers (a well hung guy from Panama) hated my post about cock size!

He said he found me via you, so I hope he's ok.

Shame we can't discuss that stuff one-on-one because I would never, ever judge a guy based soley on his cock size.

Lips, fingers, hands, mind and heart are SO much more valuable to me.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

That was me, Miss Smack. No harm, no foul. You had an aggressive post, so I thought I'd wind you up a little. Figured you could take it, certainly if you're part of the extended jewgirl crew.

You knew you were being provocative. I'm surprised no other dude over your site stepped to you with any aggression over it.

Glad you think of me as well-hung. I never thought of myself well hung or not well hung. I had sssumed I was average and no woman ever metioned the size itself one way or the other (not true, I got some credit for thickness).

I gave you the bare facts, no? ~6 +/1 1/8, thick in circumference, cut a little deeply which is a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that it affords maximum control a curse in that it is difficult for me to splash if I've got a sock on the pickle.

Lips: big and full

Hands: short fingers, smooth texture

Mind: ask jewgirl

Heart: ask my mom or dad or best friend or jewgirl

Todo vacano, pue' ["it's all good, yo"]


Miss Smack said...

Hey Kelso. Thanks for dropping me a message both here and at my little blog. I appreciate it.

I guess the context came across a little harsher than it was meant, eh?

I have loved men deeply and not considered their penis size. Really, heart and soul are what counts.

I do have a sense of humour and several of the men have shared their personal opinions, but in email until now.

xx All the best
Miss Smack


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