Katie Schwartz

This week started out curiously , not bad, not good, more like beige . I can live with beige, it's practical, efficient and sensible. Not all weeks are going to be fabulous , and, hi, I'm not a fucktard, I'll take beige over horrific any day . Right? Right. Sadly, the last few days of my beigey little week morphed, hard . Kind of like being tossed into the film "My Private Idaho" without the, but-the-seizures-feel-so-good , moments, and the exquisite, albeit creepy , " Reqium for a Dream", dream sequences. I was forced into wearing a, hello-clarice-muzzle and porn-ball-gag, so I wouldn't roar, "FUCK-YOU-FUCK-THIS-FUCK-EVERYTHING." " SUCK-MY-MOTHAH'-FUCKIN-DICK." I'm a peenqueen, not a peenbasher, this we can awwwwl agree on, yes? Great. I need five minutes, please, to vent about one very specific peen, please, thank you. Peenestros e-stalked me twice. Three minutes later because I hadn't yet received or responde...

Big non-sequitur post with a point... In my own Jewgirl way. I am OCD'ng myself into a frenzy with Twitter . I can't stop twittering myself (pun yourselves into a good shvitz, ga'head. I just gave ya's a beauuutiful set up). I did manage to tear myself away, but it was sooooooooo hard. I exercised. It was a busy day. I was so very busy with myself. I have many e-stalks to respond to. I realized something today, too, I love multi-tasking. I think it's hardwired into my DNA? Lately, I've been dishing with one of my BFF's about simplifying my life, something I want to do. I also love multi-tasking. I'm trying to figure out how to do both better . Frannylish posted about an organization called Black and Missing . Please read her post and support this endeavor- I'm so happy she posted about this. I dished with my youngest brother today. He's a great kid. He's also 21, so when he calls I ask, "Is everything okay? Are you in trouble? Do you ne...

Today while dishing with my accountant's assistant, I asked, "Can I fax my tax dish over instead of dropping it off?" He said, "Oh, sure, honey, no problem. Who is this?" I said, "Katie Schwartz." He said, "Fabulous! Fax it on over, HARRY." Admittedly, I was perplexed and said, "I'm not Harry, I'm Katie Schwartz." I kid you not, he said, "Yes, I know, Harry." Jaw dropped, so like a dumb ass, I asked, "Is there someone in the office with you who thinks you're dishing with a Harry ?" He said, "No, it's just me." I was so fuckin' irritated, I said, "WELL, I'M NOT HARRY. I'M KATIE." And he said, "Yeah, I know." Is it fucktard Monday?! For the love.... Again, I asked, "Why do you keep calling me Harry?" He said, "I don't know." THAT MADE ME SCREAM. HOW HILAR IS THAT?! Now, I'm wondering, do I have a huskyish, maley voice? I thought I...

Read the story, it's short and afterwards read my Howard Cosellian response. If you think it's cunty, fine , fine , fine . "POMONA, Calif. - A thrift store worker in Southern California says she didn't think twice about returning $30,000 she found in donated clothing . Barbarita Nunez was sorting clothes on Tuesday at the Veterans Thrift Store when she found a small box. Inside was an envelope of cash. Nunez said at first she thought the money was fake. But just in case, she gave it to her supervisor. The money turned out to belong to a woman who had recently died. It was returned to her family, who gave Nunez a cash reward. Nunez said she will send some of the reward to Mexico so her mother can have an eye operation and will use the rest to buy a digital camera." If I found 30K in that situation, I admit it, I'd keep it, I would. I really would. What cracks me up is the cliche ending of the yarn. I'm just sayin' .

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I was stuck in traffic behind this debacle. Oh, what debacle you ask? The fucking fake, stuffed, identical dogs trapped in the windows, gasping for fake air with their fake tongues hanging out of their fake mouths dripping fake drool. Fuck. Fuck. Mother Fuck .

Oh, Bubbsie Wubbsie I love you so-oh-oh-oh, Bubbsie Wubbsie, thank you so-oh-oh-oh. Our Sprawling Daddy of Doom sent me a jpg and a link to.... Drum roll, please.... MySpaceDouchebags . Click now . You will fucking howl, it's hilar squared. The douchiest of douchebags are on this site with Howard Cosell commentary and all. What a find. Thanks, Bubbsie!