Katie Schwartz

I'm homesick today. I'm tired. I have nothing interesting or funny to say. I slept horribly last night. my dog vomited by my head this morning. great wake up call. so aromatic. really. truly disgusting. I owe beautiful beth and the simian stud meems. you know I love meems. still. I suck fat, greezy homeless ass for not doing it yet. I washed my car today. I cleaned my house. I just realized my neighbor from across the street tries to glance through my window to see my tits. I'm a lil' pissed about it actually. it was my sister's b-day on friday. happy birthday kerri berry. I'm retaining a shitload of water. I think I'm ovulating. I just want to watch lawr and ordah and do nothing. but, I can't. I want to sleep, but I can't do that either. I couldn't sport sleep for all the bagels in brooklyn. I haven't hit any of my favey blogs this weekend. I haven't hit my christian zealy blogs either. I haven't been online that much this weekend

sticky post until tamarah night, so scroll down AFTER and only AFTER you've read this! The Divine Diva bff Amy Guth is hosting the second Fixx Reading Series! You simply must attend. It will be fabulous. Check out the line-up below. The first reading last month was such a smashing, wild success . It was overflowing with peeps. Be sure to get there early. Run. Go. Now. Thursday, July 26th at 7:30pm The Fixx Reading Series Hosted by: Gutharoo The Fixx Coffee Bar 3053 N Sheffield Ave., Chicago The Line-up Charles Blackstone author of The Week You Weren't Here Rick Karlin author of Show Biz Kids Elaine Soloway , author of The Division Street Princess

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working on an essay. it's so hack. hate its fucking guts. I suck un-funny, hedonistic, frum ass. neighbor girl is fighting with bartholomew. I didn't know bartholomew's yelled. it just seems like the kind of name that uses words like, nomenclature and antiquated . the name feels dull and very none yelly. listening to wooden sky (thank you bffer-love'ha-hahd, guthy ), maxwell, joni mitchell, vintage tupac, the tango project and the dixie chicks. love a good shuffle. I'm an aquarius. I'm allowed to have odd mixes. bart is piiiiissed. if a peen talked to me the way he's talking to her, I would send his ass packing faster than I could say fuck you and die, manobee. I spoke with a scotsman today regarding a delivery. I go all weak in the knees when I talk to scotsmen. I can't keep my legs together or concentrate. though, I prefer homegrown boys, reallllllllllllly I do. I have a terrible weakness for scotsmen. when I went to school in the uk, I spent a good a

handicapping dating is now live on 6s . check it out, yo. not only that... mcevily posted 9, count them 9 6s's that are absolute must reads. run. read. now. LOOK AT ALL THESE 6'S are you plotzing?!?!? I KNOW. ME TOO! "Quin’s If Only She Knew , Jack Swenson’s Tornado , Jennifer Gravley’s Los Angeles , Neil Fox’s Hello Miss , Mr. Schiavo’s Friendship Brings Enjoyment , Joseph Varvara’s Graduation Photo , Madam Z’s Felling Time , Kristen Tsetsi’s Killing People is an Art, he said , and Daniel S. Irwin’s Night Passage . Enjoy!"

I think I just fell in love with cp . yes, I know. I'm not poor george or a peen. I GET IT, OK. he's an mtm'r like me. what he doesn't know is that we both discovered her at the same time with someone we love so much it hurts. cp even has an mtm service . if you're not in love with him right now, I will beat you with a stick.

In this very moment, I can hear one of my neighbors complaining to someone on the phone about how hot he is and how bad his day was. all I want to do is say, when your cunt bleeds at 90 mph and you have hostage vice gripping cramps, you can complain. until then SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WHINY, WRETCHED, VILE, BLOOD & CRAMP FREE COCK SUCKIN BASTARD. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! ahhhhhhh... I feel better now that I got that out. I am hemorrhaging like hunted fresh kill. my poor beav and ovaries. they're on fire. I think the lack of sleep is making me a bit irrational. I wonder.. does lack of sleep affect cramps? my sister is having a horribly painful menses this month, too. we got our periods hours apart this month and every time we're together, our hormones mingle to accelerate the flow and increase the pain. that's never happened to us before. usually our hormones are super good to each other. NO. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES MY MENSES RIGHT NOW

it's 5 mothah fuckin cock suckin am. I've been up since 3. I made myself horizontal around 11ish. I've slept maybe 6 hours in two nights. if I don't get some sleep, I am going to do a drama diva swan dive off the GGB (golden gate bridge). oh-my-god. I am so FUCKIN' tired. I woke up at 3AM to baghdad in my vagina. clots the size of a king's ransom. villages of busted rusty pipes pouring and gushing out of my snappin' pussy. the tank (my heating pad) conked out in the middle of the fuck-off-whore night. leaving my ovaries and womb unprotected and unable to fend for itself. where's my fuckin' back-up, god dammit? it's bad enough having a post pre-menstrual map of iraqi cities to attack on my face. I'm going to make myself horizontal and have a word with jesus. according to the zealots, he seems to be quite the miracle worker that one. if he thinks a loin cloth and thorn hat and a stroll will help me sleep, I'm down. the only thing I'm n

I usually leave shitlogue to the goddess that is vocab because she does it so perfectly. however, what happened today in my porcelain goddess made me want to run from myself. recall, I am a vegetarian. I don't even know what happened. I haven't changed my diet. nothing out of the ordinary. same old agida as yesterday and the day before that. all's I know is that the corpse of some 16th century chauvinist crawled out of my ass this morning gasping for air and pleading for a second chance. ps: bethy nominated me for a rockin girl blogger award. I am so touched. I love that girl's blog and I adore her! this weekend I'm posting. I am. I am. I am. it requires thought, donchya know. you must read her post and also see the nominees. I was so flattehed to be in the company of such fuck-off-vulva power bloggers . lulu and beckeye nominated her. I can't find what they wrote about bethy's blog. argh. (ps) their blogs are fab. hit their reads.

the gates have opened and my flange is flowing with fire engine red blood. it's a crampy, gushy gaza strip between my sweet thighs. it's a shame they don't make bush pads. though, I'd never shove a bushpon up my snatch, I'd happily bleed all over his smug, disgusting ass. and I love menstruating! love it.

perhaps that's true. but, what I see and hear when I look at this image is, katie, bring me your pussy to nosh on and finger bang . you don't?

The Mint - July 20th Yeh Dede In LA on Friday, July 20th? Then you need to drag your ass to Yeh Dede and dance your sexy ass off to soulful world music. hit Yeh Dede's MySpace and stream some songs, Una Matica De Ruda and Tres Golpes... Sexy. Sexy.. oh, so sexy and soulful. this is no joke, yo. Show starts at 10:30 PM. Don't forget to stay for the fabulous Jose Conde at 11:45 PM. Where: The Mint 6010 Pico Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90035 Cost: $10 at door. hi. cheap. doable. totally worth every penny, babies

this is one of my favorite images. I've only seen MTM in re-runs. izzy (one of my oldest and dearest bff'ers), and I call each other on our birthdays to sing the theme song every year. every single year. I always watch the intro to an episode when I'm a bluejew and it makes me smile. for that moment everything is right with the world. I love that. I love that I have that. I'm just venting here. I don't need a pep talk or anything. I just know that as you get older, life doesn't get easier. it seems that more bad news than good news is common. when you think you can't go another round. you can. because you are that strong and you are that capable. you are also able to appreciate what you have if and I do mean IF you are willing to look in the nooks and the crannies. read between the lines and look a little bit deeper. I'm not saying it's easy. in fact, I think running into a 70-year-old hooker with a prolapsed uterus in a pink mini skirt at hunte

I have a tear in my eye and joy in my heart. our bubbsie said CUNT . I am kvelling. I am plotzing AND kvelling. bubbsie, this is HUGE!!! everyone race over to bubbsie's blog and congratulate him. this was no easy thing to do. this took a lot of work and time. I am so proud of you, bubbsie. you have made this feminist jewgirl very happy!!! is mrs. bubbsie equally thrilled?!?!?! how do you feel? do you feel differently? are you empowered? uncomfortable? excited? what? spill, child, spill! look, he really said it. here . don't believe me, look! (below. edited version) Bubs said... bless us all with your groovy pictures and cunt talk .There. Are you happy now?

hot damn, what a weekend. what-a-weekend. I learned a lot. wrote a lot. cried a lot. shut the fuck up. cunts with moxie have feelings, donchya know. vulnerability is just not my thing. it's become a recent bedfellow. perhaps we'll one day even learn to live side-by-side. I'm not holding my breath either. in the end, I feel good. real good and that's a beautiful thing. my neighbor changed her curtains. this is of great concern to me. does she think I'm peeking into her bedroom? I am, but not intentionally. I can't see in anyway. I just tend to stare out my window when I'm thinking. plus, her curtains are never open, so what's with the nazi panel she's cooked up?!?!?! whatev. she's a freak. she says she only opens her windows during the summer. HI. ONE WINDOW DOES NOT AN OPEN HOUSE OF WINDOWS MAKE, COOKIE. look my way. every window is open. why? because I'm a fresh air whore all year round. I know and appreciate the meaning of fresh air. she&

music for god spammed me. I am disappointed. they didn't even bother to read the post before spreading the virus . MusicForGod.org said... Watch Christian music videos and place them on your MySpace or blog. you'd think they would've had something to say about this prior to cumming all over my blog with his word . here it is: I highly doubt jesus is disappointed. in fact, he's probably downing cunteeni's by the dozen. three weeks of non-stop chatter from p-cunt whilst in the clink would drive anyone to drink, even the most humanitarian fellah . a girl can dream...

by way of bacon bits , guthy just turned me onto the wooden sky . you will die and go to heaven when you listen to their music. die. listen to wooden sky. you can also buy their album on itunes.

paris on paris . she sure has changed. I highly doubt jesus is disappointed. in fact, he's probably downing cunteeni's by the dozen. three weeks of non-stop chatter from p-cunt whilst in the clink would drive anyone to drink, even the most humanitarian fellah.

my day sucked the ass of an old, freckled, satanic worshipping, menstruating homeless crack whore who hasn't had so much as a decent memory of her last hit. oh yes, that bad.

I see that my vadge poll has stirred quite a lot of ahj from the veypeens. someone even suggested that my actions were sexist (ha! as if). women have a much different relationship with their v's than men have with their cockadoodledo's. whether a man is sporting 3 inches or a dozen inches, he holds court daily and has a shrine to his pleasure plunger. he is incessantly fascinated by the cool white shit that comes out of the tip and anything he can stick it into, including but not limited to, a toasty watermelon with a widget hole to simulate the blessed cunt. truth: I envy that men have such a deep, organic appreciation for their peens. bunch'o bitches. seriously:: you are very lucky. women on the other hand have a much different relationship with their vagina's. if we're not stressing about vulva placement, color, clitoral location or scent, we're freaking out about her drool factor when not aroused. we are delighted by a daily barrage of reasons to worry abou

veygirls, how do you feel about your vagina? I worship the goddess that is my cunt even though my cunt is a hot lippy mess, I love'ha as long as I don't have to see it or deal with it, we can co-exist I have peeny envy skip to results Create your own quiz, poll or survey at Quibblo.com

THAT GIRL! jewgirl. I only hope to be as successful in responding to comments as my fave bloggers. you know who you are, I hock you about it constantly. do not forget guthy's reading tamarah night . I know I'm a dishy pushy bitch. ain't no need to remind me.

I have been buying casablanca lillies every week for forever and a day. it's my favorite flowah evah . I'm so fucking shortbus, I had no idea they were called casablanca lillies until yesterday. news?! don't forget, my beloved cunting canadians to go to amy's reading tomorrow night in ontario ! Tuesday, July 10th, 7pm Arcadia Coffee House (in conjunction with Uppercase Books) 819 Queen Street East Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario CANADA

Shalom Canadian lovahs... guess what, Guthykins is doing a reading in Salt Ste. Marie, Ontario Canada on Tuesday (tomorrow) at our boy bacon's coffee shop . are you plotzing?! I'm plotzing and kvelling. Here's the dish, now get out there and treat your soul to three fallen women. you will not regret it! it's a delicious and exquisite read. Tuesday, July 10th, 7pm Arcadia Coffee House (in conjunction with Uppercase Books) 819 Queen Street East Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario CANADA

remember that post about matters of the heart, the one I wrote on sunday. it's here . in that post, I said, the hardest part about not mattering to someone is the moment you realize that you don't matter to them and you never really did . FIRST... while I appreciate such cozyass sentiments and believe me, fehatty does. it wasn't about me. like the short bus schmuck I am, I didn't spell out what I meant. clearly we don't have esp, do we? now I will. I was interested in getting a discussion going about matters of the heart. I am intrigued by people who can't sort of, well, roll with it. meaning, they need to define every step of a relationship instead of just enjoying the journey, free of expectations, regardless of where it takes them. I am equally fascinated by the concept of pushing someone to be with you when you both know they don't want to be with you. finally, this concept of relationships as failures or successes. what is that? why do people do that? h

the caption: "HAIR TO SPARE :: Before hitting the Hollywood club scene for the first time since her release from jail, Paris Hilton picks up some boxes of her own line of Clip 'n' Go hair extensions at a Beverly Hills salon on Friday." we know the hair isn't for the cancer crowd because that would be, um, well, you know, human. I betchya, the clip-n-go pare-hair is probably for the homeless. yes, that's gotta be it.

the hardest part about not mattering to someone is the moment you realize that you don't matter to them and you never really did. (((UPDATE)))--wait-- I am not talking about myself. thank you teeny and evadge for the kind sentiments, but this one isn't about lady hortz.

didjya's see what I did there ? I broke up with times new roman and started doing georgia. there's a kick ass dame in the great state of georgia... it and her, keepers. maybe I'm not supposed to be married to a font. maybe I'm the kind of bird who appreciates different fonts. is that sooo terrible?!

is this poster creepy or is it just me? what are they making? wannabe cupcakes. cruel. cruiel I say.

names (off the top of my head) of men I would never fuck. 1. bartholomew 2. roger 4. cecil, pronounced sessil 5. absolom 6. agapito 7. damien 8. deepnita 9. lance 10. winthrope 11. leonard 12. leviticus 13. langley 14. reginald 15. tanaquil are you seeing a pattern?

can you feel drunk from lack of sleep? not punch drunk, drunk. remember the jingle, ge, we bring good things to life. yeah, it's stuck in my head now. fuck.fuck.motherfuck.

should I... 1. bang my head against a wall? 2. swallow a bottle of pills I can't pronounce? 3. masturbate to the sound of music? 4. thank god I'm not danny bonaduce? 5. make a cons list about sleeping? 6. pee on the floor while singing the national anthem? 7. fantasize about bush being impeached and escorted out of the oral office? 8. play my saxophone naked while eating squeeze cheese and crackers? 9. mercy fuck the homeless man who walked into my house that day. remember ? 10. bang my head against a door?

why is it that when a man cums at night, he can't pass out fast enough. but, when he cums in the morning, it catapults him out of bed?

I think I'm having a bit of a love affair with times new roman at the minee. it's the way it italicizes. it's a bit vulva-lip-twitchable .

this image is so astonishing adventures magazine , isn't it? moving right along. today: not as productive as I wish it had been. I didn't even finish a page. I suck ass. do you hear me, BIG ASS. I can't concentrate. I also might have a mold situation in my bathroom that has me on high alert. mold freaks me out like you don't know. not to mention the fact that come monday morning, my apartment manager will be spending a good part of the day in my succulent bathroom. oy. oy. oy. weekend so far? spill.

Insomnia. fuck. fuck. mother fuck.

every time I park across the street from my buildink under the street lamp, my yachna neighbor screams ( sight unseen) BACK UP THREE FEET. THRRREEEEE FEET. THREE FEET! BACK. BACK. BAAAACK! GAAAAAAAAAHD. it would be a nice gesture if he said, you might want to back up a little. but, this is a demand, bordering harassment. I could be on the phone or in the middle of a conversation with a passenger. fuck. juice and I could be exiting the car and he's hockin. thanks for your concern, but what if I like bird shit? what if I'm too cheap to spring for a paint job or I'm going for an organic white with a green hue?! back-the-fuck-off, bitch. today, after berating my ignorant parking job, he wailed, when are you going to get that damn sunroof fixed?! I wanted to scream, suck my ovaries, pig fuck. why is my sunroof his business? it's my car and my choice. I happen to like the slide factor. so it doesn't close all the way. if I have a problem with it, don't I have the

In case you were curious, the evangelicals, forbid men to wear women's clothing and women to wear men's clothing. I was shocked, too! I thought for sure these fundies would bend a little. not up the ass without lube a little, but enough to welcome a kilt and a glory hole. news?! I could make this shit up... but. rewriting THE WORD is already the new black.

paris hilton is dispensing pearls galore this week. I knew she was going to change the world. that paris sure is a supergal. check out her latest call to action to teens, tweens and weens. fuck poverty. fuck war. we've got the teen choice awards to vote for! Teen Choice Awards 2007 Nomination Current mood: working Hope you all had a great holiday! Very exciting news…I have been nominated for the Teen Choice Awards ‘07, in the Female Reality/Variety category! The show is airing live Sunday, August 26th, 8pm/7pm CST. I would love for you to show your support by voting at the link below: http://www.fox.com/teenchoice/ All my love, xoxoParis she loves me. she really, really loves me. I feel that. do you? pcunt also had a 4th of jewly message to all her fans. again with the contributions to society. ah, so giving. so charitable. so generous. so selfless. Happy 4th of July ! Current mood: excited Hey everyone! I'm back from my much needed vacation in Maui. It was so beautiful and rel

oh look, it's chuvvy jesus. maybe I should focus on one font style for my blog. thoughts?

the first true american drag queen, judy garland. and what is she hawking? pan-cake make-up. if that isn't the bees knees, I don't know what is. I would pay someone to sleep right now. actual dollars. if I thought throwing my head against a wall would help, I'd do that, too. I need sleep drugs. nah. I already have guilt, shame and neurosis. I don't really need another monkey on my back. though, it could be festive. it urks me when people don't email me back. I e-stalked one of my girlie friends back home a month ago and she hasn't e-stalked me back. maybe she's breaking up with me. after 25 years of friendship, I would expect more. oops, there I go with expectations. schwartzy, you know better than that. it's true. I do. for the love. please let me sleeeeeeep.

I have raging insomnia. I was horizontal for two hours and bupkas. I mean bup-kas. I am beyond exhausted. god forbid I fall asleep for 5 mother fucking cock sucking minutes. it's nerves. a busy brain. an overtired body. I'm shooting for a productive insomniac experience by writing. if I churn out shit, that's just wrong on every level. some people are such brilliant sleepers, so much so they do it for sport. why can't I be a sleep enthusiast? oh. those same people also wake up like a folgers ad. fuckers. sleep heeblette, sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. nope. still not tired. arghers.

thyroid funny of the day: "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'" --Emo Philips get your thyroid tested! women at least 30 years of age need to get their thyroid checked. not tomorrow. now . go see dr. g . he's the best endo on the planet. no. really. he is. thyroid dish . read that and find out about thyroid diseases, like, hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism, graves disease, hashimotos and a bunch'a other thyahj.

somebody please tell me how a girl's intestines get sucked out of her ass while she's sitting on a pool drain. what we have here, my friends is the worlds greatest cock sucker that will sadly never see the light of day. for the ass suckage dish, check out the video .

I keep in touch with my first blowjob. see, when my dad was going through open heart surgery last year, I needed a distraction, so I googled him and donchya know, I found him and decided to send a missive. dear l: how are you? you probably don't remember me. I gave you my first blowjob. anyway, just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing. hope all is well, katie he emailed me back a week later and we've kept in touch ever since. he seriously had no recollection. then again, he became a bit of a crack addict. aww, god love him. don't you bitches be sittin' in judgment of this heebalish. he was a nice jewish boy who went awry. it happens to the best of us. he invited me to his bbq. I can't attend because I live out of state. is that weird? that he invited me, I mean? he wants a repeat bj to jog his memory. what am I? new. crackeena please.

unfuckingbelievable . run. read. now. below. or click. go . An Unpardonable Act By E. J. Dionne Jr. Friday, July 6, 2007; Page A15 I harbored no personal desire to see I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby spend a long time in prison for his perjury and obstruction-of-justice convictions. People who know him tell me he is a thoughtful and interesting man, and I have no reason to doubt them. Yet when I learned that President Bush had commuted Libby's 30-month sentence , I was enraged although not surprised. Rage should not be a standard response to political events (though avoiding it has gotten harder in recent years), so I had to ask if my anger was justified. Here's the case for getting mad and staying mad. The core point is that "equal justice under law" either means something or it doesn't. In this case, all the facts we know tell us that Libby received far more than equal justice, as evidenced by the irregular way his commutation was handled. President Bush 

happy 4th of jewly beautiful babies! big plans? whatchya's doing? anything exciting? spill. me? this and that. anywho have ya's been to six sentences ? it's a fun, festive and fabulous site. yarns are spun in six sentences. guthy's got many 6S posted, zulkey , sparks and a slew of other writers we just laaaaaahv. on jewly 20th, check back for jewgirl's 6s: handicapping dating .

as many of you know, I am an ebay whoreena. at the minute, I'm on a vinty cherry tear. cherry knobs, cherry linens and cherry chach. yesterday in my cherry hunting frenzy, I happened upon timeless vixen . this dame sells vintage dresses from the 50's and models them. below you'll find a few of her famous poses. someone in her life must have said, dearie, you don't have what it takes to be a model. thanks to ebay, she proved them all wrong and has become, what I think is the kitschiest, high camp model I've ever seen. she is... a riot. and now.... timeless vixen in: the pink roses party dress , the polka dot wiggle, the polka dot sequins and the mod sailor, and oh what a vixen she is. for the record, I would pay a mint to see her dark side