One Year Ago Today

Rest in peace my sweet.

I'm no wiser, no more resolved, no happier. I have spent the year mourning The Kid's death instead of celebrating his life. To date, that would be my only regret in life.

I wish I could say that in the past 12 months, I've become a better person and more evolved in the death department-- I haven't. Every Friday, I lit a Yahrzeit candle and would recite the Kaddish, hoping it would sink in and that I would surrender to the global meaning. I didn't.

I needed him this year. I wish he waited one more year before dying. Though, I try to remind myself that if he died today, it wouldn't be any easier than it was one-year ago.

I wonder, would I have gotten through this year differently if I had him? Would his reflection of unconditional love have been the impetus I needed to find my way? Would the world continued to make more sense through his eyes?

I don't know.

As this day approached, I had bursts of anxiety, anger and sadness. The day is here. I don't want to regret my actions next year.

It's so funny, I've always been of the mindset that if you love someone enough, you have to let them go. Yet, when it comes to death, I'm a hypocrite. Why is that? Rhetorical question.

Today, I will mourn. Maybe tomorrow, I will let go a little bit more, just enough to begin to celebrate his life.

All of my blogging buddies were there for me last year and I wouldn't have gotten through it without you, each of you. THANK YOU for looking out.