Thursday, October 04, 2007

NY Craigslist Personal Ad and Response

This is too hilar not to pass along. The guy's response is fabulous. I love him so hard, my vulva lips are twitching. He's got almost as much moxie as I do. Could his balls be as big as my ovaries? Nahhhhh. As for the broad... what is she doing setting women back a hundred years?! Quit with the hedge funds and start creating vadgefunds all by yourself! You can do it, vagareena. Take a hit for the team and woman up.

25-year-old shameless diva seeks money-money-money

What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:-

  • Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms -
  • What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings-
  • Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)? -
  • Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?-
  • Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?-
  • How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

Suit Daddy of Doom's Answer

Dear Pers:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal.

Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates!

Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that.

So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I hate to say it but the dude is right.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"Please hold your insults"

Gold digga, puh-leeeze!

You put that on the Internet and expect to stay unscathed?

Chris Hinrichs said...

That was just really excellent.

Evil Spock said...

Wow. That was awesome. When you at life that way, it all makes sense.

I need to start researching a new lease agreement . . .

Nicky said...

The dude is completely correct and right on to him for saying it. If a woman (or a man, for that matter) is going to treat him/herself as a commodity, then others will too, and it should be expected. This gal shouldn't be surprised at her inability to "get the ring," as gals such as her would no doubt say.

V. said...

Trading position. HAHAHA... Oh... wow... great laugh I needed that.

Eebie said...

While this woman is an extreme, I find it so often in so many others. When I decided to go back to school, I heard (paraphrasing): "No one is going to be interested in you, not only without a job but paying for school." or "When are you going to be out of school and making money." or "You have no financial stability." I asked out a girl on campus who told me she wanted to date "a guy with a job"; I pointed out she didn't have one but that didn't phase her. She wanted some who could take her to nice places. (I was willing to take her out to nice places; I actually have money for dating. I don't have time for gold diggers.) They are common - the rule not the exception.

Joe said...

Oh my GOD this is so bleak, and so true, and so hilarious all at once! And f*ck me to death for being a stupid civil servant making far less than 500k a year.

I loved this.

Madam Z said...

"What am I doing wrong?" she asks. Oh my. Let me count the ways. 1. If you want someone to buy the package, you better have something under the wrapper!
2. A 25 year old female is NOT A "GIRL." She is a WOMAN!
3. Okay, she's "putting (her)self out there in an honest way." Honesty is not always the best policy, if you are thereby revealing yourself as a shallow, self-centered slut.
4. As the bitingly clever male respondent observes, beauty is only skin deep, and that skin is starting to wrinkle already.

Listen to Katie. She is right on the money. "Start creating vadgefunds all by yourself!"

Mister Mxyzptlk said...

I'm concerned about Evil Spock. He's now speaking in first person.

Dale said...

Money can't buy your kind of class, or can it?

Coaster Punchman said...

I'm from the school of "you can think it, but you can't say it." Everyone has their private little things that make them happy. I don't necessarily blame her for wanting to find someone well off to pay her way through life; who wouldn't like that? But she is one stupid slut to admit it outwardly. And if she's going to be that stupid, who can blame this guy for his honest answer (which was a brilliant analogy.) Did she ever respond to his answer?

KELSO'S NUTS said...

Of course, he's right. She is not even in the same universe as a woman with whom a man earning that kind of dough would want to be.

25-year old club girls are a dime-a-dozen. Most, though, have taken some hard knocks and have something of the milk of human kindness in them. This woman is a beast. She probably fancies herself "above" club habitues. No man making that kind of money would ever share any of it with someone like that. It makes no sense financially as the responder pointed out and it makes no sense emotionally or psychologically because as with old Western gunslingers no matter how much a dude makes, there's always one with more.

I can think of no better example than her of a reason I AM IN NO HURRY TO MOVE BACK TO THE UNITED STATES. Well, I can think of ONE. Being as I have a few dollars, it might be a good laugh to come back and do whatever's necessary to PREVENT her from ever living on Central Park West.

But these twisted values are typical of the USA and -- although JG and I have agreed to disagree about this -- TV shows like "SEX AND THE CITY" only help to reinforce this hideous worldview.

A CORROLLARY TO THE RESPONDER'S THEORY: The internet dating sites actually function as a fairly complicated derivatives market mechanism in which the SPOT VALUE of sex today clears with the EXPECTED THOUGH STOCHASTIC PRESENT VALUE OF A DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT IN THE FUTURE. A piece of ass for a piece of ice.


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