Katie Schwartz

this is hilar! the kid from brooklyn . copy and paste into your browser: mms://68.178.174.134/BigMan/BatDay.WMV big mike is fuckin' hilar! you have to hit his site and stream his videos. he's too much!

I don't understand the whole, what would jesus do phenomenon. is it supposed to temper people from making hedonistic decisions? it seems so open to interpretation. like, if I lived my life by, what-would-jesus-do, I would assume that he would live my way. here's an example: I'm at the checkout line at whole foods and I have a quart of hot food from the hot food bar. the checkout girl says, "is that soup?" the soup is $6. otherwise they weigh it and it costs double. what would jesus do? I think if he were on a budget and was low on shekels, he'd say it was soup.

so I am planning my sister's bachelorette party. it's this weekend, saturday night. I got her a big black cock cake. the girl should know what she's giving up :) I am in a snarky snatchy mood.

I admit it, I listen to it. I also listen to eminem and tupac.

that soda gives you gallstones?? I read about that. I am so glad I don't drink it. rarely, I mean, but anything in moderation is fine. good reminder, ocd.

ok... I think collecting dolls is creepy. It just screams, cybil-sweet-baby-Jane. doesn't it? who collects dolls? that's like collecting figurines and hallmark chachkeys. judgmental? of course! it's still creepy as shit. it's still raining. I am so afraid to go to my car. I'm terrified that it will be saturated in h20. my sister is getting married next week. I wish beyond wish that I didn't have to do it. I wish it were a few months from now. I'm not ready. I don't understand marriage. the truth of the matter is that it makes me feel stuck and trapped, like I can't breathe. this blog has made me realize that I am a therapist's dream come true. I'm like super patient. I'm allergic to meat and seafood, but I love the smell of BBQ. I've never been able to eat the stuff. I wear leather. my dog vomited this morning. the shtunk of vomit makes me so nauseas. hellnine vomit is even more disgusting. can't wait to see my brothers next week

my favorite curse words are: mother fucker cock sucker one of my girlfriend's just called someone a, cum guzzling whore, which is now on my FAVORITE curse words list. and your favorite curse words?

I love the rain. but I have that sunroof issue, don't I? poverty just isn't as festive as it's cracked up to be.

I am always intrigued by people who fervently throw away pieces of their past, recent or ancient. I'm not talking about ending pack ratting or whatever that lil phrase is called. I mean when you throw your past away as if to erase those memories, hoping they'll never catch up with you. it never really works because you can run from yourself until your blue in the face, but unfortunately, you catch up to you because wherever you go, there you are. that sucks.

hassid break dancing -- adorable and hilar

those who live in california suffer from annoying bird chirping 24/7. I have never heard birds with such a relentless need to chirp. rain or shine, day and night, the birds chirp. they can't shut their pie holes for 5 fuckin' minutes. chirp-chirp-chirp who behaves like this? is it the female birds or the male birds? and what do they have to yack about all the time? don't these freaks sleep? it's like the never ending coffee klatch.

my best friend taught me how to read cock size. it's invaluable. it's not in the hands and feet. that's a myth. it's much deeper then that. and you know, he's always accurate. every cock he's read that I've seen post reading has always been exactly as he predicted.

you know what I just realized, unless you have an incurable disease, people don't unconditionally cheer you on. and that sucks ASS.

my dog is farting up a fucking storm. I mean for the love of god, have a heart, child. he's just a farting machine. oy vey a shmear. my cravings today are out of control. I want oreos, double stuffed. and I want bagels with vegie cream cheese and I want macaroni and white trash cheese. and I want really good french toast with roasted potatoes. instead, I'm eating a protein bar. fuck off, you know. what a busy day. I have so much to do. gotta write, too. I think my neighbor whacked his wife, and now he's engaged again. I mean what is with everyone getting married?!?!?!! I can't get married. I can't do it. It's not for me. no, no, no, no. I'm off like a prom dress.

so, this morning when I was heading out, chubbette 2 spotted me in the hallway and smiled, more liked smirked in a sinister way. I wonder what she's up to. gahhhd, I hope she's not fatal fat attraction. how suck ass would that be!

that's right! lisa's having just a humdinger of a time praying for herself, so she's requesting that people sign her prayer warrior list and pray for her, too. she's had it rough and she needs prayers. poor girl. oh, I just felt a crocodile tear. (ps) she's also posted a new journal entry . shameful as ever, it's some letter from a chick named chrystal. hello, drop the h... ok, who is ocd about lw? at least you don't see me asking you to pray for me! gahhhd.

This is beyond disgusting. women who are raped and victims of incest will be forced to bear children. and rapists would be entitled to the same parental rights. there is only ONE clinic in south dakota for women to currently get a safe and legal abortion. this is so incredibly horrific, get involved! stop this from happening. you can make a donation to STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING at planned parenthood South Dakota Legislature Votes to Ban Most Abortions Doctors Who Perform Procedure Would Face Prison By CHET BROKAW, AP PIERRE, S.D. (Feb. 25) - Gov. Mike Rounds said he is inclined to sign a bill that would ban nearly all abortions in South Dakota, making it a crime for doctors to perform an abortion unless it was necessary to save the woman's life. The ban, including in cases of rape or incest, was approved Friday by South Dakota lawmakers, setting up a deliberate frontal assault on Roe v. Wade at a time when some activists see the U.S. Supreme Court as more willing than ever to overtu

if ludacris dates short, chubby jews from ny?

she has a boyfriend. what the fuck?! life is so unfair. I'm fat, you don't see me getting fucked. she's twice my size and has cock on tap. this is fair? my tits are way better. anyway, he's ugly, but he has a hot belly, but he's hairy and not in a good way, not like, you know, in a hairy balls way, in a hairy-mud-fucker-hemp-loving way. he's so, I listen to the beatles. how annoying can you get. and he feels sooo, I only fuck her from behind, and that's boring. whatever. they have a red bean bag. how queer.

sucked ass so fucking hard. worst week. gaaahhd. I'm tired. hungry. I need to brush my teeth. a shower wouldn't hurt. and I think I got my period. It's trickling slowly. hate that. I just want to scream, WOULDJYA FUCKIN BLEED ALREADY!! my sister's hocking me to get a dress. get a dress. get a dress. I am so NOT IN THE MOOD. life is ugly today!

I'm so excited because the building got another chubbette! now, we're two, we're growing in numbers. and she's fatter then me! I am beside myself with joy. I felt a welcome wagon was in order, so I left a whole pie in front of her door with a warm note that read: dear chubbette 2, I'm cubbette 1 because I moved in first, but I wanted to welcome you. from one whole pie eater to another! enjoy! chubbette 1 the next morning I found the pie sitting on my front door with a knife in it and a note that read: BITCH so much for trying to be friendly! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd

the road of good intentions is bullshit.

that my blog is coming up on practice vaccum pussy daisy duke stuff HOW FAR IN CAN I SHOVE MY COCK "instant pussy" Lightening Lip cream+Los Angeles I'm not sure how I feel about this round... it's creepy.

I know you know everything about my real family history as you watched me grow-up at The Palace. I know you know I'm Princess Claire and now you know what I really do. I hear that I'm up for "Moulin Rouge." I'm up for all these features and I haven't acted in years. You know how surreal this life has been for me. I deal with world leaders, but I prefer to take down a regime intellectually than use a silencer. I use my mind to take down the enemy and sometimes I have to wear a mini-skirt.

that phone sex is listed in the websters dictionary, and actually has a definition. "Sexually explicit talk engaged in by telephone, especially to enhance autoerotic pleasure." autoerotic pleasure. is that hilar?

the fact that every American isn't entitled to basic health insurance is so disgusting to me, I cannot begin to tell you. if you don't have money in this country, you're fucked. we need the democrats back in office. for all of you voting republicans... can you wake up, please!!!!

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark All the sweet, green icing flowing down Someone left the cake out in the rain I don't think that I can take it 'Cause it took so long to bake it And I'll never have that recipe again Oh, no! what a queer ass stupid fuck lyric.

it's so weird that john denver is dead, isn't it? I mean, I was just thinking, he and sony bono are like the undead, but dead. they so don't seem deadish to me.

with a straight face, you say, "these spy TV shows are based on me." and, this is my favorite one "I've been working undercover to save humanity and alot of foreign dignitaries since college. When certain leaders are in office I work off the books pro bono."

can you imagine spending over a grip on these shoes? what part of these stilts scream fuckable? SINGAPORE (Reuters) - A teenage guitarist got so carried away while bouncing up and down on his bed mimicking a rock star that he flew out of a third floor window to his death, a Singapore newspaper reported Wednesday. MIAMI (Reuters) - A Florida man has confessed to bludgeoning his roommate to death with a sledgehammer handle and a claw hammer after an argument that started over an empty roll of toilet paper, authorities said Tuesday.

I am so hungry, it's just not funny. If I had my druthers here is what I would eat: nachos, a massive plate of nachos dripping in cheese with fresh salsa and sour cream. I would also eat El Torito tortillas with enough butter to clog every artery I own. for dinner, I would eat a bowl of pasta the size of my face and for desert; I would eat a chocolate soufflé. fuck, I am such a foodie-whore. of course I won't be inhaling gobs of fat today, but you must admit I manage fat beautifully, right? I love food. oh, food, food, food how I love you.

some freakish new behaviorist had the fuckin balls to respond to my let’s-help-katie-get-over-her-choking-phobia-mail, with: Dear Katie, I believe that the techniques of Energy Psychology are the most effective with phobias. Sincerely, Mudfucker yeah, that's right, MUDFUCKER. how sprout loving, hemp wearing, california, organic, chanting nutfucko do you have to be to suggest to a broad who is terrified of choking that she should undergo ENERGY PSYCHOLOGY. are you fucking kidding me?! what does he do for an encore? regress me to a past life rape!

is a very funny, irrevernt magazine, and in print, too. check out their second, HILAR, online radio show, tastes like podcast

so, I have this intense phobia of choking. I mean it's really bad. anyone who knows me knows that this is my greatest fear in life, to choke or watch someone choke. my phobia was under control until my dog choked on a ball about 3 months. it was fucking terrifying as hell. I got him to the vet in time, and the vet wasn't even sure he'd be able to get this specific ball out of his throat. I was a fuckin' mess. A MESS. since, I can't get the choking out of my head. my fears have worsened ridiculously so. I watch people eat more intently. I stay even farther away from the foods I used to fear. I don't let my dog play with a ball (only a rope). I watch him eat. when he's out of my site, I panic, especially when he's at camp because they have balls there. I have nightmares about choking again. blah-blah-blah. it's so fucking pathetic that I am petitioning the company that makes these specific kong balls to remove them from the shelf. the reason the ball i

this is so fucking sick. read this article. right wing, zealot freaks! They call themselves the Patriot Guard Riders, and they are more than 5,000 strong, forming to counter anti-gay protests held by the Rev. Fred Phelps at military funerals. Phelps believes American deaths in Iraq are divine punishment for a country that he says harbors homosexuals. His protesters carry signs thanking God for so-called IEDs -- explosives that are a major killer of soldiers in Iraq. The bikers shield the families of dead soldiers from the protesters, and overshadow the jeers with patriotic chants and a sea of red, white and blue flags. "The most important thing we can do is let families know that the nation cares," said Don Woodrick, the group's Kentucky captain. "When a total stranger gets on a motorcycle in the middle of winter and drives 300 miles to hold a flag that makes a powerful statement." At least 14 states are considering laws aimed at the funeral protesters, who at a

with myself, first, above everything else. I dislike someone who will remain nameless more then you can possibly imagine. this person is the archetype for stupidity. I am perpetually incensed, disgusted and overwhelmed with disdain for this individual. here's the kicker. I have SO MUCH GUILT about my disdain for this person, you couldn't possibly imagine. I am a wretched beast. I'm in between hair colors, so I look like I have a fuckin' swarm of goldfish swimming around the top of my head; or like I'm trying to reenact a thorn hat scene from some semicolon biblical yarn. Oh, I'm going back to my natural hair color versus the jet hideous black I was for so long. whatever, I'm so annoyed. I hate when people stare at me. It makes me feel annoyingly short.

I have so much shit to do, it's just not funny. but I also need to run to whole foods to get something to eat because I'm STARVING.. please, I could live off of my body for months and still not starve to death. I hate dieting. If I could eat a vat of cheese in any shape or form right now, I would. Cheese and crackers by the millions. Pizza in 50 pound intervals. The god damned shame of me. I'm not craving sweets. Go figure. Just salt. Sick amounts of salt. Pots and pots of salt. but disguised in well managed fat. I need to focus.

... do we think I will start getting hate mail? a week? two weeks? 48 hours?

can somebody please tell me how to fix the javascript that's awry with my links??? for the love of god, how many times do I have to ask??? geez louise.

do we know if born again's like, lisa welchel, fuck? I've tried to imagine her bending over and her gay husband giving her an unrelenting fierce pounding. I've even gone so far as to visualize her saying: "oh, baby, shove that big christian cock up my ass. whore fuck me mary magdeleine style. spend your love nectar all over my supple Corinthian tits." but I just can't see it. it's killing me. do these type of born again's fuck? we know billy graham and his sicko cohorts do, and we know the trinity broadcast network christian crazies, fuck dirty and wrong on all kinds of levels... but do the welchel's of the world, too? I admit I can see him carousing the midwest for glory holes to shove his meat bat through. but I can't see her getting off, much less having sex outside of procreating. do we feel bad for her? we orgasm whores of the world. I don't think so. she still freaks me out. even more since I read her website obsessively. she's my

Under the Bush administration , organizations that promote abstinence and encourage teens to sign virginity pledges or wear purity rings have received federal grants. The Silver Ring Thing, a subsidiary of a Pennsylvania evangelical church, has received more than $1 million from the government to promote abstinence and to sell its rings in the United States and abroad. According to the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, the federal budget in 2005 allocates $168 million to abstinence-only education. President Bush is seeking $206 million for 2006. In a 2001 study published in the American Journal of Sociology, Peter Bearman, a professor of sociology at Columbia University, found that only 12 percent of the more than 2.5 million adolescents who had made a virginity pledge by 1995 remained abstinent until marriage. Abstinence pledges do delay sex for an average of 18 months, Bearman found, but those who break their pledges are a third less likely to use prot

that kfed looks like a vagina gone awry. stare. ewwww.

his album will not feature his pop-star wife. "We have collaborated," he says. "But I'm not going to put the songs on this album because it's like, 'Respect me first; then I'll show you what I've done with my wife.'" yeah, cause his wife gets SO MUCH RESPECT that you really should hold out for that. dumb ass.

ok... I think I'm concerned. my blog comes up, it seems, on the following keyword phrases: suction cup for vulva lips vibrator bought orgasm vaginal rejuvination Ball Sack Brewing Co. long lip vaginal humdinger vibrator vibrator dick sucking lips "my prosthesis" what does this say about my blog entries?

I have to go dress shopping. you know what I don't understand, why you have to dress a certain way to attend certain functions. I mean, it seems to me that you should be able to wear whatever you want to any damn function you are supposed to attend. I don't get it.

I dreamt about a pink oddly shaped vibrator last night. I am now on a quest to find said vibrator, though I don't think such a thing exists. Nor do I think my vagina is big enough to accomodate such a vehicle. Is nor a word? I mean really, is it?

we got the goods.

... how to make my links smaller?? you know, the giant white ones. it's a javascript thing that I can't figure out. come on computer muffins, help a sistah out .

tonight, spike, jenkins, tar, butch and petals are doing a stake out. that's right. at 10 pm, I'll be in santa monica with my cohorts to reclaim our goods. will keep ya's posted. I’m so excited. it's my first stake out. tar.

there is nothing more shameful then having rain pour down on you while you're driving because you can't get the sunroof closed. this is only worsened by having to plant your fat ass on a wet seat and extricating yourself only to look like you've just peed all over yourself.

totally turns me on when I watch a man I'm attracted to, typing on a laptop. sends me deranged. can barely keep my legs together.

I'm going vibrator shopping this weekend with my friend. I'm going to buy two vibrators: one named, cindy. I am a straight girl who names 90% of her vibrators chick names. I think I'll get another one for the shower named, butch. good thinkin, schwartzy. that's the spirit. I'm so forlorn. I also have severe writer's block. I suck. not as much as I'd like to, but... a girl can dream. oh, who the fuck am I kidding.

because I'm sneezing.

if I were any more in limbo right now with EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE, I would spontaneously combust. I should nickname myself, patience. not because I exercise the practice of. rather because I am forced into it.

I'm so fucking frustrated, all I want to do is eat cupcakes. i won't, but it's what I want to do; sit in front of dozens and dozens and dozens of cupcakes and fervently inhale them.

when you're at the computer store to get your laptop keyboard replaced and the clerk says: you might want to get a crumb cover for your keyboard seeing as you eat at your laptop so often. after turning 50 shades of shameful crimson, I said, what makes you think I eat at my laptop? the fucking shame of me. how nervy. I knew I was busted. Katie, you rabid whore, take it like a man. he takes out my old keyboard and shows it to me. it was stuffed, chock-a-block, teaming with everything I've ever eaten in my entire life, and topped off with ashes from when I used to smoke. no wonder my keyboard stopped working. It was full.

or is it because my grandfather felt me up when I started developing at 10?

my mother and I bought my sister her first vibrators for her bridal shower. isn't that inappropriate on every level? I got her an S&M rubber ducky. my mother got her the big orgasm in a box. on that day, my father sent me pictures of ethnic cocks espousing racial slurs with a note that said, "I'm not sure if this is appropriate to send to my children." my mother called me shortly thereafter and said, "let's go to the pleasure chest and get Kerri some racy chachkeys for the shower." that was fun. carousing the pleasure chest and the hustler store for sex toys and penis pops. maybe that's why I'm such a whack job.

it's not casino. my vet is 90% sure it's a fatty deposit. how relieved is katie?! I tend to run the gamut of emotions before a diagnosis. it's a gift.

when famous people end a relationship, we are delighted with their three stages: stage 1: omg, are we sure it's over? is this just another cliché hollywood rumor? stage 2: always feature the brave, indefatigable, and, oh what a pillar of strength that beaver is. stage 3: note: she's moving on. she's a stoic, sassy girl. look at her go. we should bronze her shit and keep it on a pedastal in our homes. bra-fucking-vo. what a woman!

I think I whacked the pod. It's making me most forlorn.

my groomer told me he had emphysema today. I feel so guilty. like. I mean, I always bring him a nosh and tip him well, but I feel like I should help him lift my dog onto the grooming table or something. Oy the guilt.

I am so blocked, it's not funny. I gotta write my sister's essay for the speech portion of the wedding. My dog has a lump on his stomach. Hi, cancer. Freaking out. Taking him to the vet in a few. I have writing deadlines that I am shamelessly behind on. OMG. what creative juices? I'm ovulating. That's just not festive. what is a blog? I brought that homeless guy food, but didn't let him know it was from me, and left it in a bag on top of the garbage can. I'm just so irritated that he wouldn't take my money. I had to do something. I need to vaccum. hate those negative ions though. sneezing. sneezing. sneezing. I am obsessed with a new homeschool blog, Lisa Welchel's blog. She's a freak squared. born again to the tenth degree. she considers pagens satan's work. she's so wrong on every level. I fear for her children. and it seems like she kinda married a big queen. but who am I to judge. waiting. waiting. waiting. I'm off.

... peeing at 4AM, and slidin' off your toilet seat and spilling onto the floor.

Vice President Cited After Blasting Hunting Buddy With Bird Shot. The 78-year-old lawyer who was shot by Vice President Dick Cheney in a hunting accident has some birdshot lodged in his heart and he had "a minor heart attack" Tuesday morning, hospital officials said. OMG. THE SHAME...

*Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.* *Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.* *A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.* *Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.* *The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.* *If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.* *Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.* *HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.* *G

Harry Whittington poses in his office. Doctors said the 78-year-old lawyer's condition is improving but he may have to live with some bird shot in him.

I take my dog to this kick ass patch of grass in, too much money and too much time (beverlyhills), sometimes. this afternoon, that's where we went. on the way out there's this gas station that I stop at to hose louie off. he loves it. so there I am hosing louie. kid's havin' a ball. he's panting. he's drooling. he's in full canine bliss. this car black car rolls up, so big and so money, like I never seen in my life. a man in an outfit gets out of the drivers seat and opens the passenger car door. louie's now horizontal on the pavement and I'm pouring water in his mouth and hosing him off like a flower bed. back to the passenger. she pours out of the car like evian water, cool and crisp. Draped in, let's-play-how-many-south-africans-died-for those diamonds. she was in her 70s and had a severe face lift. I'm sure she just finished lunching with the ladies and cross referencing bank accounts. before strolling over she snapped her fingers and the

"Today I had a horrifying, frightful encounter with the paparazzi while I was with my baby. Because of a recent incident when I was trapped in my car without my baby by a throng of paparazzi, I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger. I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us, and took photos of us which were sold to the media. I love my child and would do anything to protect him."

what happened??? for a minute jews were the chosen people. I think that was last year, right? now we're the fuckin anti-christ again. I was cornered yesterday by a born again who freakin' begged me to take Jesus into my heart and be his servant. since when is religion an S&M thing? why do I have to be the submissive in the relationship? Jesus doesn't feel very butch to me. those flowing locks and that crotchy loin cloth. the walking on water thing, which only makes fat people feel bad. "oh, look at me, I'm Jesus. I'm thin, and I'm walkin' on water." and then there's this whole, "he died on the cross for you." did I ask him to schlep up there and get whacked for me? did I push a stake in the man's belly? did I tell him I had sins? NO, I most certainly did NOT. ps: I'm suposed to define a sin?! talk about elusive. it's so open to interpretation, political affiliation and sooo much more. like I walk around with a sin list

Ah, my first crotch watch. I was 12. My grandma, Helen took me to the ballet, with binoculars! When the crotchley bachelorinas did the jump squeeze, Helen would gasp like a freshly rouged Iowan at an all you can eat meat and cheese buffet. For the next two years, I was Helen’s ballet date. It was great. We’d take the subway from Brooklyn to the city, watch the ballet, and then over a slice of pie and coffee at Sarge’s Deli, we’d have crotchversations. By 14, I was skilled in the art of crotch watching. Gay tops wore faded blue jeans with left hangers. Gay bottoms created the ass lip effect with a high seam. Gentlemen of a certain age had anklets. And fat men didn’t have penises, or so I thought. When standing or walking they were crotchless. When seated, anatomically correct. What’s a girl to think?! So, I asked my father. His response: “What are you a schmuck? What kind ah-fuckin question is that? Jesus fuckin’ Christ. Ahhh, you!” He never did answer the question, so I asked my middle

marry tom cruise . it's shamefully hysterical.

my best friend is in town from ny. so great to see him. he was talkin' to a jew broad the other day from Longgg-Island and he said, "Katie, she was so Jewish ny, it was like talking to a bagel." is that hilar or is that hilar!!

I got a habit of leaving my car keys in the car unless I'm going home. I also never lock my car. I picked it up from my dad... but. I'm trying to remember to bring them. I'm kinda absentminded about some things.

ok, it's super clear to katie that she, me, is assed out of a critical vag gene. the bride and adjunct bridely things one. it's killin' me. my girlfriends keep asking me details about my sister's wedding. what are the colors? I don't know. what kind of flowers is she having? I don't know. what hotel is everyone staying at? I don't know. what's her dress look like? white. poofy. it's bad enough that when we go to bride stores and functions, I get anxiety attacks, hives on my wrists and can't stop sneezing. my best friend said, "honey, strap on your vagina, please, and spill." what kills me is that I'm a feminine chick. I'm not butchly, so what gives? if I ever got married, I think it would have to be an afterthought. But here’s the thing, I’m so excited for my sister. She’s the earth mother incarnate. oy such guilt.