Katie Schwartz

Meet me at KatieSchwartz.com

2011-04-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

Thanks for stopping by. On All The Way From Oy To Vey, you'll find archives dating back to 2004. Damn, that's a lot of nonsense, rants and bullshit. Hey, why delete my past?!

Come see me at KatieSchwartz.com - I'm publishing my humor essays, a few rants and other annoying things. Oh, and some updates - Good stuff? You decide.

No Shortage Of Stuffing Pie Hole Here, Metaphorically Speaking

2009-11-28T07:36:00.000-08:00

I broke up with J Crew, but we got back together.

I’ve noticed that a lot of Born Agains are starting to follow me on Twitter. To be clear, I don’t mean Christians or Catholics, I mean Zealarellas (zealots). I’m wondering… What part of me screams save me?

Wanna read more? Of course you do! Kidding. If you do, fab. If not, I understand. No pressure, no guilt. I'm a freak.

Midgets, Siblings and Masturbation, Oh My

2009-11-21T07:11:00.000-08:00

The non-sequitur post from hell.

The emails I’ve received for the wrong KatieGirl@gmail.com are worth reporting:

UPDATE: Received today 11/14 “I can’t poo any longer i thought my butt was stronger! but I need your help to tacke this deamen out! Juust stick your hand up there and move it everywhere until u u puulll it. Ouuuuttttt ooooo ya ya yaaaa!!!!!!!!!”

I bought software from StreamingFlix.com under the name Katherine. For the record, it’s Katie Louie Schwartz, mothah fuckah. Ga'head, read the rest...

Beautiful Photography, by Susan Ledgerwood

2009-11-17T02:06:00.000-08:00

Susan Ledgerwood Other Worldly Visual Storyteller, She’s All About YOU

Susan Ledgerwood. You might know her via Twitter @SoyGoy. You might be a “Fan” of Susan’s work on Facebook. If you’re not following her on Twitter or have become a fan of her work on Facebook, after reading about her and seeing her work, you will be. Read the rest and see her work! You'll plotz.

A Decision Has Been Made

2009-11-17T02:04:00.000-08:00

I am going to cross-post on The Vey what I post on KatieSchwartz.com. I miss it. The Vey, I mean.

What's news and exciting, you ask? Posting now.

Stay tuned. I have insomnia and lots to dish.

SCHWARTZ HAS MOVED

2009-05-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

Beautiful babies, I have officially moved. I will not be deleting this blog, ever. I am in a new spot where I will be ranting and raving. You know how I do. Come visit me at KatieSchwartz.com. Come on, don't be shy. You can do this. We'll do it as a family. Ready. Set. Click.

CHANGE

2009-05-24T18:04:00.001-07:00

BREATHE.
STAY WITH ME.
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OOOOKAAAAY.
IF YOU CLICK THIS LINK, I PROMISE IT WON'T BITE.
LOVING...

DEAR THYROID IS IN THE SISTERHOOD

2009-05-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

@Anastasia_Smith of The Sister Project, follow them on Twitter @sisters, wrote a gorgeous post about her thyroid, sisterhood and Dear Thyroid. Please read, From The Threads of Thyroid Tales.

Thank you!

Isn't she a honey? Click on over and read.

*cross posted at DearThyroid.

OLD JEWS TELLING JOKES

2009-04-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to Old Jews Telling Jokes in my box, courtesy of my girl, FranIAm. OJTJ is so funny, I think I want to marry the website.

KATIE RANTS

2009-04-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

Good morning!

If you've been following my tweets, @katieschwartz, you know that my pal VeronicaWords, is working like a dawg to, well, save dawgs.

From VW: "Here’s the scoop from @VeronicaWords: vote 4 us! http://is.gd/3EQR Fill in Pike County Humane Society Milford PA & Search. then select us. Animal verification, that’s it!".

It's a great shelter and you can vote every day, so please do. They're in desperate need of the fundage. Off you go to vote for canine hope.

My dad joined Twitter, @jsbrooklyn. I'm plotzing. @TanyaEspanya, doll that she is, friended my pops. As far as dark humor is concerned, you'll quickly learn the apple does not in fact fall far from the tree, not at all. Friend him, ga'head. I think he knows how to follow back, if not my brother, @nicktony will show him, I'm sure.

I'm obsessing about the song, Caribbean Queen, for reasons I can't explain, and the mispronunciation of the word, "Caribbean". It is not pronounced "Caara-beee-aun", which is, in my opinion, enunciation murder. Worsening the issue, lest we forget it was a huge hit. How? Why? What happened? Where was I during this songbacle?

Have you seen infomercials for the Bullet Express? In the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, I am a food product infomercial whore. Anyway, the infomercial has the creepiest crew, force feeding insert-grandma-here, a food bulletized beverage. What's worse, is her insert-son-here, staring at her wantonly while she's drinking. Watch!

Another one is the Cricut Expression, a scrapbookey spin-off tchoch that's fun for the whole family. Admittedly, this one bugs the shit out of me.

What happened to Ron Poppeil, you know, the infomercial daddy who coined the phrase "But, wait, there's more"?

Here's one I love -- Really, it's the dame I love, never the products, always the sales peeps and their handy-dandy-ever-so-shocked-side-kicks, the Turbo Cooker.

THE SILVER ENVELOPE PROJECT

2009-04-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

In response to the Red Envelope Project, I have launched the Silver Envelope Project. I posted about my disdain and contempt for the REP, you might have read it here, Abortion, The Breakfast of Champions.

My objective for the Silver Envelope Project is for legions of women who are pro-choice, to join me in posting written letters, video letters and photo/collage letters to the Silver Envelope Project blog, to virally syndicate our message as aggressively as they are.

I hope you'll review and send me lots of letters and get involved!

ONE FOR THE SHAME BUFFET, PLEASE

2009-04-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

As we've discussed a blog is one part confessional, right? Right.

Today, I was reminded of the ultimate shamevent, I was with my ma and we were at the Farmer's Market buying produce, minding our own business when I happened upon my ex.

He didn't see me -- I saw him -- which was MORE than enough to make me run -- like a virgin towards the starting quarterback. I flew through the market. My ma, is, of course, fast on her feet and didn't need me to explain anything, she just followed. PS: That's love.

So terrified he would see me, I made my way into the back of the market and dove into a dumpster. Yes, I know that's disgusting. Whatevs, a girl does what a girl has to do.

A few minutes later, I could hear my mother laughing her ass off while leaning against the dumpster, so I peeked my head out of the top. Through tears, she said to me, "What the fuck is wrong with you, child?" I whispered, "I saw my ex, he was buying avocados. Remember he used to call them avo's? I hated that."

She looks to her left, sees him, whispers, "Duck", and slams the cover of the dumpster shut. She hid behind the dumpster.

Do you believe the shame?

Ten minutes later, she came out from behind the dumpster and made sure all was clear before helping me out of the can.

Oy vey, the lengths I will go to, to avoid this ex... don't ask.

HEY, CHUBBARELLA

2009-04-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

Nice ad, huh? Circa 19-we-call-fat-laaaydies-chubbies. Of course we've "evolved" past this. Presently, we just quickly look away from said chubbette for fear of catching fat, which makes perfect sense, it was in the NY Times.

If you've been following my tweets, you know that I am completely OCD about my kitchen window neighbor's shower habits. They shower 4-5 times a day. I keep wondering; if there are only two of them, what could they possibly be doing that requires such excessive showering. Are they rolling in mud? Peeing on themselves? Working out 24/7? Smoking meat? Then I wonder, wait, maybe people have increased their daily showering, maybe that's the norm, maybe it's the thing to do, and I'm just a skanky dirty whore for showering once a day.

I'm in a weird mood.

I have insomnia.

Oh, before I forget, thank you sooo much for the birthday wishes. My birthday was February 7th. Like the latetard that I am, I didn't get around to posting my GIFTIES until, oh the shame of it, April 5th. Do you believe?! I know, I'm such a cuntarell. Oy, forgive me gift givers.

On the 16th, which I believe is now, a certain someone from a certain Compound is coming to Los Angeles with his fangorialicious daughter, I can't wait to see them. We met at the Pilcrow Lit Fest last year in Chicago.

I'm trying to get my sister to consider doing an authentic expression for Three Dames With A Clue .

Does anyone know of any jewelry makers in the Los Angeles, Hollywood area looking for a venue to sell their jewels? I can't find anyone.

STUPIDITY ROCKS

2009-04-16T00:50:00.000-07:00

What kind of a schmuck do you have to be to dive into a polar bear enclosure at a zoo? How completely fucktardian are you?! I'm just grateful the PB's weren't injured.

Polar bear mauls woman at zoo, wouldn't you if some asshole came into your house?

SPEAKING OF ABORTIONS

2009-04-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

Menses just commenced. It's 1:14 AM. I was asleep. That felt good. At 12:24, I popped up. I think I'm awake, maybe awakeish is more accurate.

I'm always surprised when those handy-soapy-foamy-bottles run out of soap. For some lame ass reason, it never occurs to me that they ever will. They feel so lifetime supply, even though the bottles aren't more than 8 inches tall. Similarly, when I flip on a light switch and the light flickers to its death, I think "Now what?" Duh, schmuckette, you change the fucking light bulb. Intellectually, I know this, yet for some odd reason, it never comes to mind.

In fact, a few years ago, my mother walked into my house and said, "Why aren't the lights working?" I said "I don't know, I flick the switch and they don't work." After a fit of uproarious laughter, she said, "Would it kill you to change the light bulb?” Hmmm. "No", I shamefully responded. I wonder why... it is that I have a block against certain tasks. I can be absentminded, but not about the big stuff, I don't think.

It's 4:30 AM. I started writing this post 3 hours ago. I ran to the store. One of the stock daddies had beautiful tattoos covering the length of his arms. I asked him, "Do your tattoos tell a story?" He winced, glaring at me as if I was from Fucktardville. Fuck me for thinking a labyrinth of gorgeous tattoos spun a yarn, what an assjockey I must be for not realizing that a man's arms covered in tatts could be so fucking random.

My stomach hurts something awful at the minee.

I walked away from my lappytoppy for 5-minutes and had a fabalicious idea that I completely forgot. Why? I didn’t write it down. These days if I don’t write things down, they are MIA like Stayin' Alive.

PS: I have been trying to get online to finish this post for almost an hour. Now, I’m irked.

My stomach hurts something awful at the minee.

I need to drink more H2o.

It's no longer 4 AM.

ABORTION, THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

2009-04-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

Dwarfs just flashed in my brain for some bizarre reason. Oh, this post isn't dwarf driven. Wait, are we allowed to say dwarf or is that un-PC?

Speaking of dwarfs, abortion. No, silly, I'm not saying you should abort a dwarf baby if you find yourself knocked up with one, gosh no. I just couldn't find a decent segue into abortion after mentioning dwarfs.

Don't be offended, it's not like I said you should abort a Down Syndrome baby or a retarded baby, or are they one and the same? That I know is un-PC, to say retarded. In my defense, I don't actually come out and say "Retarded", I say "Rahtaardded". See the difference, it's subtle.

I am getting so fucking sidetracked right now.

I hope you're not offended. I haaate being offended, it's such a nauseatingish feeling. When I'm offended, I feel dirty from the inside out, overcome with a kind of helplessness and a boiling anger, akin to being felt up without my consent. Super unfestive. I'd say molested versus being felt up, but knowing as many vagina's as I do, I've come to learn that at some point in our lives we've had some kind of molestereeuation. It's a signature, a calling card, par the course of being a bird, I suppose.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, while Evangelical-blog-hopping this week, I happened upon a few blogs who posted about The Red Envelope Project, also coined, "The LIFE Envelope Project". Have you heard? You can see where I'm going with this, right? The REP project is a wildly offensive endeavor spearheaded by the fundies, of course. Not our beautiful, liberal Christian/Catholic sisters and brothers. No, no, no, they would never do such a thing, only insane zealie's pioneer such egregious and offensive acts as this one.

Here's the dish in a nutshell, pulled right from the whackjob's mouth. I've bolded my favorite parts:

"The e-mail letter below turned into a couple different websites supporting the project with hundreds of thousands of visitors. There was a day setup for Red Envelopes to be sent and we have received word from the White House mailroom that over 2 million envelopes were delivered after the March 31st Red Envelope Day!

In an effort to keep the movement alive and going we have transferred the website into the LIFE Envelope Project to avoid a potential trademark problem. We are also looking to expand the project to send not just red envelopes but also baby blue (to represent an aborted baby boy), pink (to represent an aborted baby girl), and traditional white with red, pink, or blue writing (for ease of getting an envelope). It's now easier than ever to send the message on to our president, senators, representatives, and judges!

The Founding Story:

Below is a letter that has been circulating with a great idea. The message began in silent prayer from a faithful follower who was spending quiet time with God.

Dear Friends and Intercessors:

This afternoon I was praying about a number of things, and my mind began to wander. I was deeply distressed at the symbolic actions that President Obama took as he began his presidency. Namely, that he signed executive orders releasing funds to pay for abortions, permission to fund embryonic stem cell research, and federal funding for contraception. I have been involved in the pro-life movement for nearly 20 years, and it pained my heart to see a man and a political party committed to the shedding of innocent blood. This man, and this party lead our country, but they do not represent me or the 54% of Americans who believe that abortion is wrong and should no longer be legal.

As I was praying, I believe that God gave me an interesting idea. Out in the garage I have a box of red envelopes. Like the powerful image of the red LIFE tape, an empty red envelope will send a message to Barack Obama that there is moral outrage in this country over this issue. It will be quiet, but clear.

Here is what I would like you to do:

Get a red envelope. You can buy them at Kinkos, or at party supply stores. On the front, address it to:

We have reason to believe the return address is important, please include it.

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
N.W.Washington , D.C. 20500

On the back, write the following message.

This envelope represents one child who died in abortion. It is empty because that life was unable to offer anything to the world. LIFE begins at conception.

Put it in the mail and send it. Then send this website to every one of your friends who you think would send one too. I wish we could send 50 million red envelopes, one for every child who died before having a a chance to live. Maybe it will change the heart of the president, our senators, and/or our representatives.

Warmly, Christ Otto

Let's Send 50 Million red envelopes (and Counting) for all of the children killed in the US by abortion!"

I, of course, was and remain deeply offended by this movement. In the spirit of free speech, I think those of us who unequivocally support a woman's right to choose abortion, and protect funding for abortion, education about birth control and stem cell research, should send an envelope to President Obama, too.

In a silver envelope, place a little plastic egg inside with a note that reads:

My name is Fertileena, I was aborted by a wonderful woman. If you haven't met her, you should. She's a vibrant, happy, healthy dame with a full and rich life. She got pregnant, it happens. Although, deciding to abort me wasn't an easy choice, we talked about it at length and we are sooo grateful that she had the choice to abort me. We're still friends and catch up from to time. Oh, don't worry, I won't bore you with the details. I just wanted to thank you for keeping abortion safe and legal. I wanted to be aborted as much as she wanted to abort me, it was very much a mutual decision. I LOVE my life and value my life as an aborted fetus.

Sincerely,

Fertileena, aborted feteye

Any questions?

GIFTIES

2009-04-05T06:40:00.000-07:00

FreakyJewelry sent me these gorgeous earrings for my birthday and I am wild about them. THANK YOU, FJ. I LOVE MY B-DAY PREZZIE.

I took a picture of these beauties. Unfortunately the blur factor was so high, it hardly did them justice, see:

FJ makes the coolest gem earrings, necklaces and quirky/dark jewels I've seen in ages. She's such a talent. You must check out her jewels and treat yourself to one of her pieces.

Darryle Pollack, the brains behind Cluttercast, formerly known as Click for Clutter, I've blogged about it plenty, you're up to speed, yes? Yes, sent me three FABULOUS scarves as a birthday gift!

They are the kitschiest of kitsch, and the colors are so vibrant and stunning. Love at first sight, I tell ya. I started tying these beautiful babies to my pocketbook like my grandmother used to do, ah the memories, such bliss. THANK YOU SO MUCH, DARRYLE, FOR MY SCARVES.

And, from Diva B. Coffey, I got an awesome gift card to tarjhay. I'd post the pic, but I used that baby faster than you can say spend, and this hilarsquared card:

Is this a KatieCard or what?!

BETHYLISH, I LOVE MY GIFTS, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH.

WILMA FINGERDO

2009-04-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

This week had a theme, a pretty straightforward one too: "Katie, Wilma Fingerdo", laced with syphilis, oozing herpes sores, attached to a gnome wearing a trollee-esq mask when you least expect it, EVERY FUCKING DAY?!

I met with optadaddy on Monday to discuss my lady balls. While I appreciate his enthusiasm for Graves' ophthalmology because really, if a doctor has a raging hard on for something that's ailing you, s/he's the DR you want. Right? Right.

I'm in the chair. Between us is the peeper machine that scopes your balls. While he's fondling mine with said machine, he's going on and on and on about his latest study with rabbits and rats and their peepers popping. Again, I appreciate his enthusiasm, but do I really need the deets?

I said, "My sister had a rabbit named Clovis", thinking this would ignite the, oh-I've-said-too-much-gene, and make him stop. On the contrary, he didn't. After the fondlefest, I said, "Ya know, DRB, I really don't want to break-up with you because you are the Graves' Optha daddy of doom. However, the image of sacrificed animals is nauseating, depressing and way more than I can handle. You've crossed a boundary."

Do you know what he said? "I'm authoring a paper for (I can't remember the name) medical journal all about it."

Seriously?! I have NOTHING to say and EVERYTHING to talk.

Everyone was so far up my ass this week, did I ask for a free colonoscopy? No, I did not. No matter what I said or did, it was wrong. A ginormy week of misunderstandings. Don't you love when people say, "I'm listening."? Really? You are? Than why the fuck can't you hear me?!

Argh.

The upside is that my surname isn't Humpdick. I'm healthy and the week will be officially over tomorrow.

PS: Wilma Fingerdo is a dragalicious diva.

DISH AND THAT

2009-03-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

The dish, rapid fire... Shall we bullet point this baby or what? Okay, here we go.

My youngest brother, Nick is a social media God. He Twittered with Mc Hammer from 33,000 feet. Isn't he a honey?!
In honor of Ada Lovelace Day, one of my Twitter dishing buddies, BitDepth, has written a lovely post about women in New Media and he GENEROUSLY included me. To be in the company of the women he wrote about is quite an honor. If you haven't read his blog, check it out. He is a photographer and a filmmaker. His work is rich and luscious, like his personality.
Tuesday was suuuuhhhhrrrrrrreal.
Wednesday I had to re-pee in a bucket, but failed miserably. The whole thing was entirely too nauseating. Let's just say I jeopardized the specimen.
Thursday morning I had a date with Urarella (Nephroqueen). He's so dramatic, my God. Only 8 viles of blood on the wall, 8 viles of blood, if one should happen to fall... Anyway, he wanted me to have an MRI. However, as of Friday, I have decided not to. If he thinks squeezing me into a tube of toothpaste for an hour and a half is going to happen, he's grossly mistaken. He saw my kidneys on the big screen (ultrasound), that's enough for him. Geez Louise, what's his plan? To jerk off with a new set of MRI'd kidneys, my kidneys?! He's going to have to find a new pair. "Gee, Katie, that's not overly dramatic at all."
I know this is super old, but I'm still in shock that in this recession somebody bought a car for 4.4 MM. To be fair, it's truly a spectacular automobile. Still. Who has 4 mil to play with, especially after record job losses, Madoff, Wall Street and the housing crisis?!
Do not forget to vote for Miss Nora O’Sullivan, she’s in 3rd place. If anyone can get her into 1st, we can. Click here now.

VOTES REQUIRED FOR BUBBSIE'S DAUGHTER

2009-03-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

From Joe:

Hi everybody!

I'm tied up at work and won't have a chance to get this up on Sprawling Ramshackle Compound for a while, so I need your help. Our daughter Nora is a semi-finalist in the Fangoria Spooksmodel contest. Right now she's kind of bummed out because she's getting her ass kicked in the voting--she's competing against a more than a few softcore porn actresses and pro models. Please click on the link (here it is again: Fangoria Spooksmodel) and scroll down until you see Nora O'Sullivan in her evil nurse costume.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD VOTE FOR THIS GIRL. Nobody loves horror more than Nora, and she needs to place in the top 13 to go to the finals in L.A. Vote early and often, it's easy, and forward this to any gorehounds you know, or anyone who just loves to vote in internet contests.

I really appreciate it. She'd love to see her numbers climb. Take care, and thanks for reading!

Joe

Run. Go. Vote.

COFFEY IS HAVING A BIRTHDAY

2009-03-25T08:54:00.000-07:00

Our beloved blogging buddy, Beth Coffey is having a SUPER DUPER BIRTHDAY TODAY. Click over and wish that dame a very happy birthday.

Bethy, the world is a better place because you're in it. I celebrate you every day, today is extra special because you were born. You are loved and adored by many. You're a good friend, a great person and you have a heart of gold.

I wish you the world, my dear. My this year bring you everything your lovely soul desires.

Love,
Jewgirl

THREE DAMES WITH A CLUE

2009-03-24T21:48:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, I joined two incredible women, Joy Hurwitz and Belle Zwerdling, to form Three Dames With A Clue, a women's collective that produces live, filmed, interactive theatre coined My Authentic Expression.

Each month, a new topic is tabled and guided by 3-4 panelists, paired with an online series of interviews featuring some of the web's most prolific women writers and artists. Some you might even know, FranIAm and KarenZipdrive. As you can see, we've got some really kick ass dames coming out for this. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, we'll be posting new interviews.

Our first show is slated for May 11th in Los Angeles. Location TBA. I will keep youse posted. If you're in LA, please e-stalk me for reservations. Tickets are FREE. Parking is 5 bucks. Free appetizers. Cocktails and beverages are totally doable. Nothing crazy price wise. After all, we are in a recession.

GIRLFRIEND, PLEASE

2009-03-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I love and appreciate a blog award, especially this one, the Sisterhood Award, from a dame I adore, Liberality Liberal. LL has bestowed this award on some bloggers I am looking forward to reading because their blogs sound way up my alley. One of the bloggers, Mauigirl, I adore sooo much. Thanks Libbylib, I'm a lucky dame.

What I love most about the Sisterhood Award is what it means to me: camaraderie, mutual respect, appreciation for other women, elevating and uplifting, not degrading or disrespecting, and feeling connected, not because all women are going to like each other cause'ns we're of the Vsuasion. Though, it would be great if we could, at the very least be there for each other in some small way. Maybe even help each other achieve our goals, instead of trying to take a sistah' down. That just ain't right. I see a lot of that, as I'm sure we all have, and experienced it, too. Most unfestive, donchya think? Yeah... I know.

The origin of sisterhood, according to Webster's 1350–1400; ME sosterhode. Sisterhood is as vintage an expression as they come. The meanings of sisterhood that resonate the most for me is #1 and #5

1. the state of being a sister.
5.Usually, the sisterhood. the community or network of women who participate in or support feminism.

Are we screaming, Jewgirl, or what? I think so.

Now it's my turn to impart this award to 10 other dames. I will try my best to keep it at 10, but that's gonna be tough. There are so many sisterhood hearted dames who deserve this award.

Fran I Am - Frannylish is unique, she's as religious as she is irreverent. The two live side-by-side so beautifully. I love her for that and everything in between. I've also had coffee with this delightful dame, a day I'll never forget.

I would've chosen Maugirl, but Liberality has already done so. Mauigirl is political, personal and has a series I truly dig, the talking-through-her-cat-series -- hilar.

Next up is Lisa Golden. This broad takes my breath away. You might know her from Unplugged or Politits, her former blogs. Now, she's blogging under her name. I swear to God, I think she writes from her womb. Her Adventures in Parenting series, and blogging about relationship mishigas are pretty deep, she's truly authentic.

How could I possibly leave out a dame I'm just starting to dish with on Facebook and hopefully email soon. We've been reading each other for a year now, I think. I've been crushing on her since I discovered her blog. She goes by Helen Wheels and her blog is Just Ain't Right. Her lady balls are MASSIVE. When it comes to politics, she ladles it from the left, hard. I dare anyone to cross her. Ga'head, try.

This next broad, PulpFriction, kicks ass. The day she was born, God said, "I'm thinking irreverent. No, that's not it. I know, irreverent squared. No, no, no. Hmmm... What should we give her? Oh, I know, a heaping fucking crazy ass dose of IRREVERENCE." She's brilliant!

Anyone who can speak in pirate tongue, regardless of the topic, be it politics, personal, life, whatever, wins my heart. Not only is the Lesbian Pirate Queen a great read, she strikes me as a fascinating dame.

Snackiepoo and I are kinda neighbors. We live in the same part of the stateish. I've been crushing on her since I started reading her blog. She's blunt, brave, beautiful, talented and has a heart of gold. Mind you, she'll probably whack me for saying as much, but I don't care. She is, Blanche, she is.

I think the first comment Teeny left on my blog was "Crushing you with my love". I clicked over to find out more about this broad and I fell hard. Teeny is one of those dames who vomits onto her blog with a dash of daintiness and a heaping dose effervescence.

UtahSavage. Please. A dame who considers herself savage was born with moxie a girl like me only dreams of one day achieving. US is a fantastic writer, dark and soulful.

BorderExplorer is a no nonsense, straight-from-the-hip-one-of-a-kind, broads with that oompha thing going. You know what I mean? She's fulla grit and soul, this gal.

TellingSecrets. Without even realizing it, she's restored my faith in ways I feel, but need not express. The intersection, something I will never forget and always treasure.

Jintrinsique, I owe her an email. That said, what I adore about this dame is that she puts herself, her sexuality, her passion for baking (she's a pro, donchya know), and for life, right there for the world to see, without giving a shit about what anyone thinks about her. She's fearless.

Cup-of-Coffey has a birthday coming up next week! Do not forget to wish this dame a very, very, very happy birthday, a big sexy day. I celebrate Coffey every day, she's a doll, a genuine, kind, good soul. Her love and knowledge of music, especially REM, is unprecedented. She's a good friend, a kick ass blogger and a flawless dame.

If I've left any of my girls out, forgive me, you know you're in the sisterhood!

SPRAWLING ALL OVER FARMHOUSE

2009-03-17T18:28:00.001-07:00

UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE::: THANKS TO MONKEYSTUDMUFFIN'S COMMENT, I HAVE FIXED THE LINK TO BUBBSIE'S ESSAY ON FARMHOUSE. THANKS, MONKEYSTUD

There are a million reasons we love Bubbsie. He's dark:

and funny as hell:

We love his writing, the child can spin a yarn like nobody's business. A few of Bubbsie's treasured topics are Clowns, Alligators, and of course, who could live without his FREAK OF THE WEEK series.

GUESS WHAT, our Bubsielicious has spun a disturbingly sick and funny non-fiction story, running in the spring edition of Farmhouse Magazine. This might be Bubbsie's first stop, that we know of, but one thing we are most certain about is that it's just the beginning -- This kid's got mad writing skills. Click on over and read about his Day With Antonia.

TIME PASSAGES

2009-03-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

This song bugs the mother fucking shit out of me for reasons I really don't know. It could be the nasally-stuck-in-his-throat harmony of Time Passages, though I'm not certain.

How mizzy does the broad look in this picture? To me, she screams: "Dress, stuff and roast you're own fucking turkey." I agree with her completely. Living in 2009, I have the privilege and luck of saying as much.

I'm irritated with nephroqueen's new medication. I think it's giving me headaches and making me tired. I'd call him Monday, but I'm seeing him on Tuesday. Gee, I can't fucking wait. I'm so excited. My nicknames for my nephrologist are: Obviously, nephroqueen, nephroboy, nephrologyboy, nephroasspain, kidneyologist, urinequeen, urarella, blood-and-urine-sucking-vampire, and I think that's pretty much it. Got any new ones for me?

I'm addicted to Twitter, much more so than Facebook, not sure how I feel about Facebook or if I really want to assign an emotion to it.

My weekend has been great. Yesterday, was long, festive and kept me busy, running, doing, seeing, you know the drill.

Today, I'm getting myself a cheap-ass-massage-NO-release (they do rub and tugs for dames, did you know that? I didn't. What you would you call it anyway? A rub and rub? Lame).

I think I hate Wordpress, but I really want to like it.

I'm in a kvetchy, weird, don't know where to throw myself, mood. Fab. Fortunately, I'm extricating myself from my house in about an hour for the day, yay. That should turn my mood around.

I think it's odd when my shrinktail wears sweaters instead of a shirt. It's so, I'm a psychiatrist and you're not. He's just missing those Tweed elbow pads. Whatever the fuck they're called. I'm not breaking up with him. Shrinkdating him is great. However, I still have no fucking self-esteem. Eh, I'm hoping some of it will crawl up my ass and make its way to my brain. Wouldn't that be nice?

Have a great Sunday.
ME

HE FUCKED ME LIKE BROOKLYN

2009-03-13T20:12:00.000-07:00

If you haven't figured it out yet, I love Vanessa Hidary's spoken word and I'm not much of a spoken wordian. This broad is off the mothah fuckin' hook. Watch!

Oh, and when you're done, a gift from my friend Crionaberry, a personal ad with a TABLE OF CONTENTS. Oh yes, a TOC, beautiful babies.

TWITTER DISH

2009-03-11T18:47:00.000-07:00

So, on Twitter today, I discovered some kick ass dish from some folks I'm following.

From @Rex7, what does a trillion dollars look like? Click it, the visual will take your wig off!

From @dcagle, Tattoo Barbie. Ha.

Liberality, I got your comment, I'm on it, babycakes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

WARNING, DARK AND DIRTY

2009-03-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

Bubbsielicious of the Sprawling Ramshackle sent me a gift this week via email that is truly flawless. Behold the sagiest of sage words dripping from the below Craigslistian ad posting.

Don't Shave That Hair!!!

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error.

It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks.

It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea.

"Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself.

It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements.

"How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech.

Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair.

Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby.

Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step.

I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination.

As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads.

I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back.

Weeks. Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation.

I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

SHEBREWLICIOUS, BABY

2009-03-07T08:29:00.000-08:00

"The Hebrew Mamita" Vanessa Hidary (Def Poetry)

ADVICES, PLEASE

2009-03-05T18:47:00.000-08:00

Two of my good friends are dispensing much needed pearls of wisdom.

Al Sensu of Hard and Fast (I adore this man). He dishes up in-your-face sex advice and answers every taboo question you can't think of, yes, it's true. With a smile, a dash of wit and a lot of heart, he responds to at least 50 + queries a month. Being the doll baby he is, he never publishes email addy's, so you can e-stalk him knowing he will vigorously protect your privacy.

SinJin Merriweather of AskSinJin (I adore this man, too. Does that make me slutty?). From the inane, to the bizarre, whatever you want to know, SinJin can toss a pearl your way. He's sharp as a whip, funny and very insightful. Like Al, he also believes in protecting your identity.

Check em' out and e-stalk them Q's. They're great dishy blokes.

AN EXERCISE IN FUCKTARDAREE

2009-03-04T07:12:00.000-08:00

This morning, my good friends at Echelon Magazine (if you haven't perused this read, click on over and check it out, it's wonderful. PS: Their weekly newsletter kicks ass. You can also follow them on Twitter if you're Twittering, that is. @Echelon_mag.

Back to my yarn... When I clicked on the link Michael sent me and saw this headline Soy is making kids 'gay', I thought, no. No way is this schmuck that stupid. Turns out, he is! Though vintage, circa 2006, the original yarn was posted here. I've bolded my favorite parts.

Soy is making kids 'gay'

There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular.

Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food. (Good to know, I was worried. Stating your fanaticism versus saying you're a fan of, or passionate about, gives me more insight into you, even if it is just about "food". Or is that the your beard?)

The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore. I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens. Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally. (You hear that boys, you're being emasculated by soy.)

In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. (Try telling that to my grandfather, Abe Schwartz, the scotch drinker who's balls were so big, he wore them as anklets in his polyester pants, 70's short boots and always a Hollywood t-shirt with a vintage dame on his chest in shorty-shorts and sporting ginormous boobies. Wait, was that his beard? Hmmm.)

The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen. If you're a grownup, you're already developed, and you're able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. Babies aren't so fortunate. Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby's endocrine system just can't cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. At the extreme, the damage can be fatal. Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!)

Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. (You knew that, right?) But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it's a classic example of a cure that's worse than the disease.

For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it's far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal.

Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today?

Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement). This helps explain the infertility epidemic and the sudden growth in fertility clinics.

(Bra-fuckin-vo. Rhetoric 10 points)

But alas, by the time a soy-damaged infant has grown to adulthood and wants to marry, it's too late to get fixed by a fertility clinic.

Worse, there's now scientific evidence that estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children. In the latest year we have numbers for, new cases in the U.S. jumped 27 percent. In one year! There's also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults – especially breast cancer. That's why the governments of Israel, the UK, France and New Zealand are already cracking down hard on soy.

In sad contrast, 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy. Worse, soy use may double in the next few years because (last I heard) the out-of-touch medicrats in the FDA hierarchy are considering allowing manufacturers of cereal, energy bars, fake milk, fake yogurt, etc., to claim that "soy prevents cancer." It doesn't.

P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it's perfectly safe because it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu. (Thanks, I'll be sure to tell all my straight-male friends)

Ah, fucktardaree done right is the breakfast of champions.

Plotzarella from the brilliance

2009-03-02T20:07:00.000-08:00

T-Mobile Germany launched their new commercial. It was shot at Liverpool station in London . They used 400 dancers and 10 hidden cameras. No one but the station employees and dancers knew what was going on... it was aired on youtube and TV.

ART

2009-03-02T19:37:00.000-08:00

My cousin, Dorian is an artist based in the Bay Area. When she has her next opening, I will be sure to let my SF buds and readers know so youse can all meet this great dame and wildly talented artist.

BFF, Cormac, I hope you and the missus can make it (no guilt, I promise).

Dorian is tremendously talented, very unique and dark. Her work is soul food at its finest. See for yourselves right here and here. If you want, friend her on Facebook.

While I'm on the subject of fine art and San Francisco artists, have you seen Freaky Jewelry's blog? Her jewelry is as dark as it is whimsical and as distinctive as she is. You must run like a dawg. Each piece has a yarn. Check it out, yo! Love this broad's work and she is such a honey.

PS: Liberality and Border Explorer, thanks for the ya know's. I will be posting this week.

ARE YOU KIDNEYING ME?

2009-02-28T09:18:00.000-08:00

WARNING: incoming non-sequiturs.

Since Lou died, I have this habit of sleeping with everything on my bed. My laptop, in case I wake up with an idea. A small bottle of ginger ale, should I wake up neesh in the middle of the night for any reason. A bottle of 365 (Whore Foods H20, the only affordable product on their shelves), if I don't wake up neesh. A pill crusher, it's a just in case (I can't swallow pills). Tissues for the sneeze fest that commences the moment I arise, without fail. Whatever book(s) I'm reading, and my remote control... for the television. A heavy sweatshirt at the foot of my bed. And finally, my blackberry. What bed would be complete without a crackinberry? Even more strange, if I do wake up in the middle of the night, I wake up with the song "More than a woman" by the Bee-Gees, stuck in my head. Weird, right?

It's been a surreal couple of weeks, hence my departure from blogging and such. I'm back now and in good spirits.

My brother and his wife flew in from Korea for a few days, which was awesome. I had the best time seeing him and meeting wifey. She's a doll.

My dad came in for a quick weekend, which was fabulous. We bought journals to pen something together. I'm looking forward to that. We dished hard.

At some point in my 30's I started to see my parents objectively. I became friends with my ma ages and ages, and aaaages ago. My dad and I really became friends during that quick weekend, and it's been great. I feel tremendously lucky. We share a love for dark humor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

My middle brother got engaged. He video'd it and all. So sweet. He's 27, I think. I haven't met his bride-to-be, though I know she's a feminist and menschy squared.

My youngest brother (22) is much wiser than I gave him credit for. What a fabulous life lesson that was. When I didn't even know I needed him, there he was just being Nick.

I wasn't going to blog about this, but blogging is equal parts confessional and nonsense, right? Right. And writing is so cathartic. A proper essay is forthcoming on the matter (FYI). In short, two-weeks ago, my tale of two kidneys began. Thanks to a few very good friends (you know who you are), a tight family and a kick ass psychiatrist, I got through it and I am healthy, thank God.

Two weeks ago, I went to my endocrinologist (I really adore endogirl. If you need a referral in LA, e-stalk me. She's a gem. Thorough, brilliant and menschy). I'm not sure if this is routine or not, but she checked my creatinine levels and they elevated from 1 to 1.6. She asked me to come back the next day for a second blood test because it could've been a lab error. Unfortunately, it wasn't, my creatinine chose to fly up to 2.9.

Before I knew it, I was meeting my first nephrologist. Nephrology boy is so overly dramatic. Katie, you must take this very, very, very seriously. No shit, nephroqueen, now back-the-fuck-off. Worse, he wears wingtips, not even cool vinty wingtips. Thin Pierre Cardain belts in beige with the "P" and "C" buckle in gold, high waisted slacks and shark skin, shiny ass shirts. After keeping me waiting for two-fucking-hours, I was being examined, peeing in a cup and having more blood drawn. The next day, I learned my creatinine levels shot up to 3.9. Fab.

I was monumentally freaked out. As you know, I think, seeing doctors is a big issue for me. Trust is low. Fear is high. You know how I do.

My family was on kidney-donation-watch, each willing to sacrifice a kidney for my benefit if, if, if it got to that point. I had six-kidneys in waiting and one offer of a black market kidney from abroad if, if, if the meshpucha wasn't a match.

Now that I think about it, my family might be as dramatic as nephroqueen. Hmm... Anyway, moving the story along.

The next day my kidneys and bladder were on the big screen (ultrasound), courtesy of a delicious Ecuadorian fellow, I would've loved for lunch, but just wasn't feeling inspired. The soft lighting and crinkly papered bed I was horizontal on didn't get my juices flowing. My bladder and kidneys were quite hot according to my vegetarian empanada. Ah, a sigh of relief.

On Monday, 8 more viles of blood. After tallying up all of the viles I'd given (20), I realized I had supplied enough blood to feed any hungry vamp-clan. Of course, what nephro visit would be complete without peeing? By Friday, with more viles of blood under my belt, confident I looked like a heroin addict, an echocardiogram and EKG later, I learned my heart is in excellent shape, she's a butch Betty. My creatinine levels started coming down. Happy I was moving in Katie can keep her kidneys lane, by Monday 50 kidney-issue-causing-diseases I do NOT have seemed like cause for celebration.

Today, my creatinine levels are 1. Yay. All that's left in my tale of two kidneys is the joy of peeing in a bucket on Sunday, a date with nephro boy on Monday and, you guessed it, more blood.

I AM HEALTHY and in great shape. At the end of the day that's all that really matters...

Thanks for not breaking up with me, loverdeedo's and for being such awesome blogging, facebook and twitter friends. You made my days brighter and made me laugh through uncertain tears. A MILLION THANK YOU'S.

From Pappa Schwartz

2009-02-28T08:19:00.000-08:00

I really love this quote.

i miss you

2009-02-21T00:28:00.000-08:00

It isn't like me to dissapear without explanation for as long as I have.I will be back soon, next week, with lots of dish and such.

I want to thank everyone for checking in, for being a friend and for your wonderful birthday wishes, etc.

Don't break up with me.

Thanks for being such a caring, fabulous, warm community. One I am so lucky to be a part of -- it matters and it means a lot to me, more than you know.

Soon we will dish hard and I will be stalking your blogs.

I wanted to thank you and assure you that I do have a pulse, quite a good one.

XO
Me

A Change is Gonna Come - okay, so it already has

2009-01-22T11:31:00.000-08:00

Betty Lavette & Jon Bon Jovi

So beautiful... Took my breath away. I love, love, love Miss B-Lavette, such a goddess.

PERFECTION

2009-01-19T16:36:00.000-08:00

I wonder if there will ever be a day in my life when this performance doesn't bring me to tears, it's just so beautiful.

I'm such a schmuck

2009-01-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

One last thing, have I mentioned a few blogs I've recently started dating? I am finding great tchoch: Street Spotted and Click for Clutter.

Street Spotted dishes up fashion, but WAIT, she also posts links to what peeps are wearing. Wellllllllllllllll, I hit one of the shoe links and found a new shoe designer that I am plotzing from. These and these are dead 1930s fab. I'm hoping to find a vinty bag on her site.

Click for Clutter, Darryle's site, I adore this dame. We've been Twitterdating for a few months now, I think. Every day, she posts new tchoch. You can vote for her to keep it or post a comment about why she should send it to you and hello, it's free! In this economy, what's bad?! This week, Darryle's got gorgeous silk scarves and a cozy vintage quilt I've got my eye on.

DING DONG THE BITCH IS ALMOST GONE

2009-01-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

Well, my pretties, Bushcunt is almost out of office, just 48ish hours to go. I cannot wait. When Obamalicious makes his inaugural speech, I'll be in tears. I'll be kvelling. I'll feel like hope and change are finally here.

I'm not fucktarded, I know we're in for one hell of a ride. Bushcunt ran our country into the ground. Recovery will be at a snail's pace. Still. He'll be gone, long gone. Hopefully in time, he'll be tried for war crimes and crimes against humanity -- a girl can dream, can't she?

Today is Sunday. I have so much to do, I could spit twice and die, or crawl into my bed and hide under the covers, or plow through the list. I think I'll plow through the list for a few hours. Why not?

Generally speaking, I'm having a surreal weekend, not sure why. I just feel out of sorts. I emailed a Rabbi, that was fun. I'm retaining water for reasons I can't explain. It's not like I was suckin' salt cubes all night.

I dished with my friends this AM, Steve, Bethy and FranIAm, again, that was fun.

The frozen yogurt guy last night was uncomfortably starey-chatty in that do-you-have-a-fat-person-Graves'-eye-disease-fetish kind of way, which freaked me out. I finally said, "Let's be done now, okay? You can stop staring and talking and I can walk away. Sound like a plan?" My sister, God love her, so patient, jumped in and said, "Don't mind her. She's jet lagged from a long flight." Anything to excuse creeparella's (my) behavior.

My neighbor keeps sliding her chairs along her ceramic kitchen floor -- I want to scream "LIFT, LIFT, LIFT." It's an unnerving sound, isn't it?

I really need to shower.

I love the new floss I got, it's thick, butch and minty, just how I like it.

I'm thinking of breaking up with coffee for a spell to give green tea a whirl. I can't imagine myself not percolating coffee every day, though. The smell alone brings me unbridled joy.

I'm off like a prom dress to finish my list. First, I'll shower. Ahhhh, yes.

WHAT DO WE THINK?

2009-01-13T09:59:00.000-08:00

For some reason when I saw this book on Sunday, it felt like a sign. Of what, I do not know. Care to venture a guess? Hit me.

Dish and That

2009-01-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

Keywords All the Way from Oy to Vey came up on this week: Famous Pussy, Vintage Pussy, Vintagepussy, Vaginas and Big Vaginas. First and foremost, what happened to Cunt? My blog is no longer cunt worthy? Is this a new trend I should worry about? Secondly, and I realize how irrational this is, but my blog is much more than the vagina I dish up. I'm just sayin'.

I'd like another Sunday. I'm not ready for Monday. I'd like two Sunday's a week, wouldn't that be dandyrific? I think so.

I can't stop listening to Flo Rida's song "Low". Great song to walk to.

I schlepped to the cooking store today for cookware and the shtunk was so vile, heavy-duty-nostril-killing-eyes-burning-chemicalsquared-floor wax. You know when a scent is so heavy, it gets lodged in your throat for the day? This was that. Oy vey. Worse, no matter where I was in the store, mop daddy of doom magically appeared, screaming at me for walking over his freshly mopped floors. After a half dozen encounters, I got so frustrated, I screamed, "HEY, if you want to make a sale today, ya might wanna re-think your mopping strategy, like oh, I don't know, mopping BEFORE the store opens or AFTER it closes." I threw my would-be-purchases down and bailed. Fuck that. They can keep their fuckin' pots and pans.

This weekend, I became obsessed with my Twitter friend, DarryleP's new blog Click for Clutter. I can't stop clicking. Here's the dish, you can vote for Darryle to keep an item, or tell her why she should give it to you, or let her know why she should keep it. Miss D has kick ass tchoch and you know what a tchoch queen I am. Her bloggy feeds both my ebay and blog addictions. Fab.

Cormac Brown has spun two yarns that you absolutely must read, I'm not kidding. You know how Cormac does his stories: dark, noiree and vintylicious. Retribution on Page 54 in Crooked Magazine, Eastern Standard Crime and Think Inside the Box.

Don't forget to make reservations for THREE DAMES MAKE A QUEEN.

There's a new letter posted at Dear Thyroid called Thyroidlicious, a must read, it's funny, clever and touching.

Loving....
Jewgirl

3 DAMES MAKE A QUEEN

2009-01-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

Shalom loverdeedo's! I have dish, good dish, not shit dish, kick ass dish. All of you New and Jew Yawkahs are gonna love this.

Last year, thanks to a wonderful event, the Pilcrow Lit Fest and the divine dame Amy Guth, I met Angela Gant, playwright and goddess. I absolutely love this dame soooo much. Ang spoke on many panels at Pilcrow. She and her writing partner, an equally fabulous and talented writer, Bill Bryan, held a staged reading at Pilcrow of their play, "The Body of Eva Peron". Ah-fucking-mazing, took my wig off.

This weekend, in New York City, one of Angela's plays is OPENING. Are you plotzarella? So am I! To find out more about Ms. Gant and her hilarsquared play "Three Dames Make a Queen", scroll down and read the dish. Oh, and, we get discounts! I'm kvellarelling.

Tell me about you, dahlink.
I usually write socio-political absurdest comedies. I'd like to think I can change people while I make them laugh…when I say change I mean take that stick out of their ass and turn it sideways.

What is your play about?
Three Dames Make a Queen is the only four person one-man musical comedy in NYC. As Charles turns 30 his Inner Latina, Inner Jewish Mother, and Inner Naïve Girl manifest for the first time since childhood to "help" him with his crisis. Even the best intentions may not be best for Charles. Trouble ensues and complications arise, including a relationship that forces him to come to terms with himself.

What do you love most about this play?
Think of this as a gay Nunsense or Forever Plaid type of show. Commercial but fun as hell, but it's got poignancy and a heart. This is something you're never going to hear from a writer…I love this production!!! The cast has been a dream, the director, Merri Milwe, is beyond fab, and this is my third collaboration with Meryl Leppard the composer/lyracist, who is brilliant.

Do you have a favorite character?
Since the three women, La Latina, Jewish Mother, and Naïve Girl are all Manifestations of Charles…I'll go with Charles…which is a cheat since it's technically all of them.

What do you think audiences will appreciate the most?
What we all do baby, a good time, and a heart-felt story. You get to tap your toe, laugh a lot, and be touched in all the right places at the right time.

Where is your play debuting? How many nights?
Don't Tell Mama in NYC (46th between 7th and 8th Ave) 8 performances on weekends in January 9-11, 16-18, 23 and 25. You can go to the website, 3 Dames Make a Queen to check out the cast and bios.

How much are tickets? Any special discounts for Vey readers?
If they come on preview weekend…Jan 9-11 tickets are free for your readers (but the two drink minimum applies). Which in my opinion all shows should have a two drink minimum. LOL. Tickets are regularly $12, but drop me a Vey on the reservation line, and you get in for ten (with a two drink minimum) for the rest of the dates.

Who do I call to make reservations? Do I need reservations?
For reservations call Harlem MAC Productions (212) 283-4860. It's always better to have one, then get turned away at the door if we're full. But it you're a dice roller go for it and be risky…but we prefer reservations;-)

Favorite curse word?
Fucktopia- the no place state in which we all live.

The word "cunt" is used quite generously on this blog. Being a feminist, how do you feel about cunt?
I believe cunt, like fuck, cannot be used too much in casual conversation. I have a tendency to use it sparingly in my work…but in life you must own the word cunt to survive in the word…i.e. you can never take my CUNT away from me. It's both figurative and literal.

Angiegots, ya da best. Thanks for stopping by and spilling all the dish about your new play. Everyone, you know what to do. Run like a dawg and make reservations. Tell everyone you know to go and see THREE DAMES MAKE A QUEEN.

IRKED, PISSED AND PUSHED

2009-01-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

Before I rant and vent myself into a God damned frenzy, let me begin by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone! I hope that 09' brings you everything your hearts desire. Quite honestly, I'm pleased that 08' is behind me. I turned the corner I needed to turn towards the end of the year, so that's good.

IRKED: Yesterday and today, I am mood swing Mary and her evil twin cuntarella. It feels thyroidee. The new dose of Synthroid was working beautifully. Now, once again, I'm, well, off. This week looks like I'll be endodating my endodiva for a lovely round of blood tests. Argh.

PISSED: I haven't slept in three nights, I'm tired.

I keep getting emails from this chick who thinks she's e-stalking her gyno. "Am I due for my pap smear?" Okay, point blank, what gyno's email would be similar to Katiegirl@gmail.com?

I've emailed her and said, "Hey There, Happy New Year to you. FYI: I'm not your gyno and this sure seems like an important email, so you might want to call her and ask her if you're due for a pap smear instead of emailing. Just a thought."

She emailed me three more times today and asked the same mother fucking cock sucking question, "Am I due for my pap smear", after ripping me a new asshole for being rude, after accusing me of breaking into her gyno's emails. EXCUSE ME, SNATCHPIE?! I'm not your gyny. I didn't bust into vadgegirl's emails. I thought it was really fuckin' nice on my part to tell you as much.

Her plan is to report me to vadgeola. Can't wait for that response. Sounds like psycho Cindy is off her lithium and needs a psych eval, not a pap smear. I'm just sayin'.

PUSHED: I'm starting a new diet that I'm really excited about. I put the program together after researching myself into a frenzy about my thyroid condition and how to balance my thyroid, hormones, etc. through diet. Because I'm a newbie at this, I'm a little overwhelmed. I am implementing it assssapy. Tuesday, to be exact. I'm looking forward to it. I've learned so much about goitrogenic and cruciferous veggies and how damaging to your thyroid they can be, etc. I'll keep ya's posted.

I have so much to do in the next 30-days, and so many deadlines I have to hit, I'm having mini-full-scales. It's good, though.

I'm retaining an insane amount of water and I'm post menstrual, not sure what that's about.

Today was quite productive. Cleaned, ran a slew of errands, grocery shopped at the Farmer's Market. Whole Foods can suck my ovaries. Their prices were insane and seemed higher than usual. What part of a recession / depression are they unaware the US is in?!

Neighbor snatch has calmed, which is great, though for some reason it feels like the quiet before the storm. Know what I mean?

That's my vent. I feel better. Thanks for letting me bend your eyes off...

08 WASN'T GREAT. 09 WILL BE SUPER FINE

2008-12-30T19:49:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. May all of your wishes come true. May you find happiness by your design. I am thrilled we are going into 09 together.

I know I've been on an unplanned hiatus these past few weeks, but an explanation will be forthcoming in a few days and a lot more posting and commenting on your delicious reads.

Thank you for being in my life and for being such great e-buds, friends and blog buds. You're all tits to the tenth and I am a better person for knowing you.

Love,

Katie

"If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose" - Charles Bukowski

“There is a time to stop reading, there is a time to STOP trying to WRITE, there is a time to kick the whole bloated sensation of ART out on its whore-ass.” - Charles Bukowski

The Best Queen in LA

2008-12-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

A day without this Gay would be devastating. This queen is fierce. Christmas in HanCOCK Park wouldn't be the same without him. Are you kvellarella for his decor? Me too!

New Letter at Dear Thyroid

2008-12-07T17:02:00.000-08:00

A lovely dame named Melissa wrote a beautiful hate letter to her thyroid and submitted it to Dear Thyroid. She's 30-years-old and her life has been turned upside down and inside out. What is so impressive, in my opinion is her commitment to kicking her thyroids ass and extricating the "awry" from her "thy". The girl's got moxie! Give a read.

SUCK THE LINING OF MY WOMB, YOU WRETCHED BEAST

2008-12-07T09:05:00.000-08:00

I wrote the below ventfest last night thinking I would publish it. Instead, I passed out from egg-zzausgion.

I am so angry. Using Insanareesta's face as my menstrual product of choice this month couldn't quell my level of rage. In fact, neither could turning her into a train-pulling-record-breaking stunt cunt, or watching her mattress surf in freezing cold mud, naked, clinging to the rope attached to a John Deere tractor driven by a misogynist woman (a-la Palin), named Billie with a heart above the "I" (just to piss me the fuck off). Nothing will extinguish my severe level of frustration, not a damn thing.

Well, I guess moving will... help.

Snatcheeola continues to bang. Bang. Bang. When she smells smoke. I'm this close to posting an add on Craigslist for every smoker in LA to stand at her windows, chain smoking.

What DICKS me off the most is that the landlord is taking her side because she kvetches three times a day. Do you believe? Who does that? Worse, when I'm in the kitchen doing whatever-the-fuck-I'm-doing (dishes, heating something up, taking something out of the fridge, ya follow), she clangs pots and turns on the water full blast (FYI: You don't have to be wasteful to hate me).

I've never seen such a thing, it's appalling. This shit would never happen and never did happen in New York, or San Francisco, or anywhere else.

I swear I'm not being a giant pussy by not banging back, really. I'm handling the sitch another way. To be discussed when I can spill.

Oy yoy yoy. I wonder. In this deeply recessed economy, during this supposed "season of giving", what kind of person would choose to take time out of their day to make another person miserable? Why would you make time for such a thing? Then I think, something must have happened, a trigger of sorts that made her deranged. Not that I'm passing out compassion-candy-canes to her right now. Although, if she righted the wrong, I would.

MONKEYSTUD

2008-12-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

Thank you SimianStudMuffin, for the coolest, campest most fabulous T-Give vinty postcard, evah. I luv it - I luv it - I luv it.

My BB didn't do this baby justice, it is fabulous. I taped it to my fridge, so I can see it every day.

Such a mensch that Simian... I couldn't adore him any harder.

PIRATES? PIRATES.

2008-12-06T11:02:00.000-08:00

Image found here. Tits, right? I thought so, too.

Moving the story along, my very good friend Crionaberry wrote the most kick ass post about health insurance, it's surly, sassy and sadly true. A must read. Ga'head. check it out.

WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK O NATURE

2008-11-30T14:49:00.000-08:00

I am looking for an apartment as yas all know. Admittedly, I have weird ass requirements. Not that any of you are shocked, of course. Me being me and all.

The sound of vertical blinds clacking like cheap, hollow high heels is so unnerving, it's worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. And carpeting. Please.... I can't breathe. It's a fiber-allergen waiting to attack.

A building that looks like this, screams death on toast with a peach schnapps back. In California, I can't live in a high rise either. I'm an e-quake phobe.

No. No. No. This kitchen is wrong on too many levels. It's a claustrophobe-mare with a pink flower to boot. What the fuck?! White is good, sure. It's that half wall situation that's got me jeaned out and hello, whatever happened to refrigerators?! Ya can't throw in a fridge? Suck my menstruating ovaries.

We need to digress for a minee. Buildings like this also jean me out. Wanna know why? It feels college dormy, even though we're strangers leading our own lives, let's all BFF. I'll pop over all the time, OMGeers. No. So not gonna happen.

Our tour is almost over. If the person who actually posted this, thought the image of Euro-daddy-architect and chick-who-won't-date-him-unless-he-has-a-brand-new-BMW is the kind of building I would consider, they couldn't be more incorrect. Then again, I just might be the trash they're trying to weed out.

I found what I love. Click FLOOR PLANS . In the bottom left corner you'll see little photos. Click each, to see the bigger picture of each mini-pic. This is my kinda joint, so stunning, I'm plotzarella from this place.

A REPRIEVE

2008-11-30T11:45:00.001-08:00

Right?

For once my people ain't takin' the heat.

Thanks for sending, Lewch.

MAYBE MEEMED?

2008-11-30T09:08:00.001-08:00

MonkeyStud might have meemed me. I think he did, though I'm not sure. I know, I'm a fucktard. It's Sunday, can I get a pass? Thanks.

1. Five names you go by
a) Katie
b) Louie
c) Schwartzy
d) Jewgirl
e) Quatz

2. Three things you are wearing right now
a) Sweatshirt
b) Sweats
c) Keen shoes

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment
a) (this is MonkeyMucker's answer and quite honestly, I can't think of a better one. He said exactly what I feel) for Bush and Cheney to be led from the White House in handcuffs and then tried for their crimes against humanity
b) Great results tomorrow, resolution finally and no new issues.

4. Three people who will probably fill this out
a) Fran I Am
b) Bethy
c) Cormac Brown
d) Bubbsie
(Yes, I can count, thanks. I just hunched on 4)

5. Two things you did last night
a) A deep and rewarding conversation w/my ma, one of those life lesson convo's that I wouldn't trade for all the bagels in Brooklyn. It was that good, my friends.
b) Wrote my neurotic phobia list, it's enviable, yo.

6. Two things you ate today
a) So far, just medication
b) coffee, bliss in a bucket

7. Two people you last talked to on the phone
a) My dad
b) Wellie

8. Two things you are going to do tomorrow
a) Der'apt
b) Writing

9. Two longest car rides
a) Driving across country (US) 6 times
b) Driving from Durham to London

10. Two of your favorite beverages
a) Bottled room temperature Gingerale
b) Ice cold coke-a-cola from a can

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2008-11-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I am so thankful for you.

You've made me laugh, and think, and cry, and some of you have become friends, dear friends, the greatest friends a girl could ever hope for.

I am so appreciative of your goodness -- your intense minds -- your mad blogging skills -- your outrageous comments -- our disagreements -- when we same page harder than ever and so much more. I wouldn't trade any of you for all the shmear in the world. (And I fuckin' love shmear on a bagel, yo.)

I hope you have a beautiful Thanksgiving.

xoxoxo'ng it,
Jewgirl

From Pappa Schwartz

2008-11-25T19:40:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Pops! Kick ass image.

Have we all seen this?

Adventures in Fucktardaree

2008-11-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

Continuing the Am I the fucktard or are they, series, I'd like to tell you about a banking experience from hell today.

The bank in question hasn't peeled yet from peer pressure, and so I opened an account with them. Not with any degree of confidence, more out of necessity.

Hours into our courtship, they attached someone else's $10,000 platinum credit card debt to my account -- accidentally -- or so they'd like me to think. It all felt so shamefully My Big Redneck Wedding. I called customer service and said, "Hey, I don't have a credit card with youse, much less credit card debt, so can you please remove this from my account."

The response from the I-hate-my-fucking-job-because-I'm-underpaid-and-have-zero-benefits employee was "Hmm. Your name is Katie Schwartz, right?" "Yes, it is," I said. "Hmmm... I guess there's another Katie Schwartz, or are you just trying to get out of paying your credit card debt?" Har, har, har, he laughed. Yeah- hardee-fuckin-har-har-har, in this economy.

He wasn't able to help me and told me to go the branch. Off I went to the branch... aaaaagain. I sat across from a banker and explained the credit cardbacle I now found myself in and she said, "Oh well, I wish I could help you, but I can't. You need to call customer service." "I did that already and they told me to come to the branch." "They were incorrect. I can't help you. Sorry." "Indeed," I said, "Close my account immediately and give me back my money."

This evening, I got an email from the bank I broke up with that read:

Dear Katie Schwartz,

Regarding your Checking account, we are happy to assist you. Shut up. Really?

You are a valued customer of (Go fuck yourself bank, dumb ass), we appreciate your taking a few moments to thank us. Thank you? I would've remembered sending a thank you e-stalk after cursing you out this afternoon.

It is our pleasure to learn that we were able to assist you with your banking needs. Well I'll be dipped in shit. You assisted me with my banking needs? Is that why we broke up? We are committed to providing you with the best quality service possible. In my next life, right?

We thank you for your business. Newsflash, putz, we got divorced.

Sincerely,
Bankcunt

Nervy little nervetards, the whole lot of em', I tell ya.

What the Fuck, Katie Schwartz?

2008-11-23T06:49:00.000-08:00

Shalom Lovers.

Sorry I was so out of the loop last week -- I read nothing -- I blogged bupkas. Officially, I was the worst blogdatable out there.

Last week was sooo harreeeblay, a reprieve surely would've been getting skull fucked by Cheney's pacemaker, jizzed on by Bush's Yorkie and peed on by Laura Bush.

I'm boring? Really? I don't know, I think beets, prunes and figs are boring. Just an FYI, Anony, I'd rather be called fat, dirty, cheap and poor than boring. I'd rather be told I had vadgeitosis than be regarded as dull, flat or stale. Last week wasn't the week to kick a Jewgirl when she was already down. And PS: Grow a set and leave your name -- pussy.

See what I did there? I vented. We're not done.

The global economy is bottoming for Bush. Small nations are folding. The US economy is so deep in the shitter, it's like a diarrhea tsunami rolling deeper and deeper inland. Everyone is struggling, stressed to the point of delirium and freaked out. We're all doing the best we can. Right? Right. And now it seems I'm going to have to move. Otherwise, I run the risk of becoming one of those strange headlines that my good friend bubbsie blogs about "Chubby Jewish girl gunned down by neighbor for allegedly smoking in her apartment".

Last Sunday Cybil, my next door neighbor, introduced me to a few of her personalities. I was sitting in my kitchen, writing and minding my own fuckin' business when I heard a hammer slamming a dozen times into our shared wall, so hard, dry wall crumbled. Following that, she shrieked "STOP SMOKING". Afterwards, she stomped down the hall and pounded like a banshee on my front door, wailing "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, LET ME IN". Did I open it? Are you new? Fuck no. After a 3 minute, what shall we call it, fist-rest, she pounded on my door again. Did I answer it? I digress.

10 minutes later, I got a neurotic email pleading with me to stop smoking. Included in should-be-immediately-admitted-to-Bellevue-psych-ward's letter was her admission that she also pounded on three other neighbor's doors to find out if they were smoking. She managed to slip in a passive aggressive, I have no idea why you couldn't hear me, or chose not to answer your door, sentence, and a, or why you're choosing to ignore me, snippet for good measure.

I wanted to say:

Dear Insaneorette;

Have you thought about BFF'ng with lithium? I think you two have the potential to live a long and healthy life together. This pocket sized friend can be yours for $27 per 100/g -- doable, no? Worst case scenario, you have to scale back on the cost of hair products. The way I see it, you don't really have much of a choice. Otherwise, you're going to find yourself a victim of a 5150 sooner than you'd like.

Love,
Sanity

What I said:

Dear Neighbor:

When someone repeatedly whacks a hammer into my wall, screams at me and pounds on my door, I don't usually answer. I'm more of a let's diffuse the anger kind of girl. Though, since I've got your attention, I don't smoke. Even if I did, what I do in my own apartment is none of your business, as long as I am not breaking any laws and I'm adhering to the landlord's contract. Beyond that, there's not much you can do.

I'm sorry that you're smelling smoke. Did you know that there are raging fires throughout Southern California, and little ashes from the sky covering our cars? Perhaps that's what you're smelling. If that's the case, you'll have to track down the arsonists. You strike me as someone with a lot of gumption, so I'm sure you can find them. No doubt the police would be pleased to have someone with your superhero scent on their team.

Oh, and another thing, if you ever repeat tonight's drama, I'll be filing a restraining order against you and I'll win.

Take Care!
Katie-

She responded, of course, and apologized. Which was all well and good until I got a call from my landlord on Monday asking me to.... you guessed it, stop smoking. (A) I don't fucking smoke. (B) Even if I did, they do not have the right to tell me not to. All week long, Diva Insanity slammed on my wall with her beloved hammer.

Where I Channel Dead Jewish Relatives

2008-11-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

I should fondle myself for old time sake. Just kidding. Gaaaaahd.

Oh, Frannygirl...

2008-11-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

Today is a very special day, it's Frannylish's birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRANNYGIRL.

I wish you a happy, healthy and fabulous birthday, my sweet.

Big hugs and kisses.

Click on over and wish our girlie the happiest birthday evah.

Love,

THERE IS A FARM IN YOUR HOUSE

2008-11-10T14:43:00.000-08:00

Mike Dell’Aquila is the Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Farmhouse Magazine (one of my favorite reads). Inspired by a formative, passionate group of writers and editors with a penchant for blending emerging and published voices, FM has evolved into one of the most reputable and exciting online magazines. So much so, they've taken their success to an entirely new level, adding a publishing arm, launching TODAY. Like the mensch he is, when I I hocked Mike about an interview, he graciously agreed.

KS: Tell me about YOU, the Farmhouse Magazine Editor-in-Chief.

MDA: I have a hard time talking about myself and defining myself along any lines. This much is true: I really got into literature and creative writing toward the end of high school and by the time I got to college I couldn't really picture myself doing anything else but that. What makes me laugh is that it happened almost in spite of (not because of) my high school curriculum. I discovered writers like Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson and Chuck Palahniuk outside of the classroom and the rest is history, I guess. So I ended up majoring in English at Penn State University and graduated in 2004. I spent a few years working various jobs and now I'm back in school, getting my MA in English from Brooklyn College. I'm also working on a novel, which I'm pretty excited about.

KS: When did you start Farmhouse Magazine?

MDA: I started Farmhouse Magazine the July 2005, right after I graduated college. I spent years talking about wanting to do something to get young writers and artists' work out there and finally my then-fiance (now wife) just pushed me into it. I don't know if she was just sick of hearing me talk about it all the time or not, but if it hadn't been for her I don't know that we'd be having this conversation.

KS: What made you choose the name Farmhouse? (Love it, by the by)

MDA: Long before we had a magazine, we had a name for it. In high school and college, we would go to one of my friend's grandparent's farm and either camp on the mountain or sleep in the Farmhouse. We'd have some of the smartest—and some of the dumbest—conversations there, and it was just a generally special place for all of us. Back in the day, we used to say that we'd start a magazine or a newspaper type of publication and write all sort of things, ranging from the sublime to the absurd. I suppose that part came true. Basically, I wanted to pay tribute to those memories and friends.

KS: Since inception, has the magazine met or exceeded your expectations?

MDA: Well, after we were able to patch together a really impressive and dynamic first issue, I had serious worries that we might be a one-and-done publication or that there would be a huge drop in quality. The opposite thing happened. Not only were we able to continue getting more and more submissions, but the quality also kept going up. The fact that we survived those first few issues was certainly enough to exceed my expectations; the fact that we are where we are now in terms of readership, submissions and starting a publishing arm is really entering on the "wildest dreams" terrain.

KS: What separates Farmhouse Magazine from other magazines?

MDA: We're really committed to finding new and emerging voices in the arts. We're kind of banking on the fact that there are a lot of readers and other writers who are all interested in reading a publication that puts the quality of the work itself back in the forefront. I don't want to take anything away from the mainstream or even small press magazines that all publish really great literature, but unfortunately the industry at large requires a lot of marketability from its authors. Their overhead is pretty steep, which means that they have to take the safest bets to move as many copies as possible. Since we're an online publication, we're able to have the approach that good work is good work no matter who writes it. For example, even in this most recent issue we have the sort of range that we like to maintain: in addition to having a few MFA recipients showcasing their work, we also have a high school student who was previously unpublished and everything in between.

KS: What kind of work does Farmhouse Magazine accept?

MDA: We accept all sorts of literary fiction, poetry, satirical pieces and creative non-fiction. Really, anything but genre-based pieces. Genre fiction can be very fun and entertaining, it just does not have a room in the Farmhouse, unfortunately.

KS: How frequently do you publish?

MDA: We just switched to a quarterly format for a number of reasons, not all of which need to be explained here. We're finding that doing quarterly issues instead of bi-monthly ones allows us to review a wider range of work and keep the level of quality as high as possible.

KS: Any plans on moving it to print?

MDA: The magazine itself probably won't move into print, but we are now rolling out a publishing arm of the organization. We're going to work with a lot of the contributors we've previously collaborated with to get their novels and short story collections out there. We also have a Best-Of Anthology coming out in November, and that features our favorite pieces from the first three years online. I think that's probably how we're going to move forward with striking a balance between the online publication and the print world.

KS: Where do you see Farmhouse growing in the next five-years?

MDA: We're making a pretty big commitment to our publishing arm, and I believe that a lot of our growth will come from that. I would like to continue to work closely with our growing network of contributors to both give their work as much exposure as possible and also given them more control over their work. Looking down the road, it would be great to be able to help the next generation of writers.

KS: What new endeavors is Farmhouse working on?

MDA: Again, the publishing side of our organization is what has us all very excited. We're trying to make this Best Of Farmhouse Magazine anthology as big as a success as possible, not only to get our name out there, but also to introduce a lot of new readers to some of the best pieces that have appeared on our site during the last three years. More than starting up new endeavors, I believe that we're more interested in finding new ways to make good on our promise of promoting new and emerging voices in the arts. Our publishing venture helps us out toward this end, as does more of an effort to do some marketing and cross promotion with people in our growing network and community.

If you haven't checked out Farmhouse, start with the fall issue right here. Don't forget to pick up your copy of "The Best of Farmhouse Magazine" Anthology available on sale TODAY, November 10th. They are such menscharellas, they included one of my essays "My Legs are Closed for Business".

I'm so proud of The House of Farm! If you haven't read the magazine, you will fall madly, wildly and passionately in love with it. Run. Read. Now.

Hate Mail or Hate Femail, You Decide

2008-11-09T07:24:00.000-08:00

This morning, I woke up to this yummalicious mail in my box:

"I am so sorry that I took the time to view your website. gruel and spew. thanks for nothing. However your site and others like it have kept the hate mongers of your ilk out of jail for at least a couple of months.

Politially Ill"

We're going to break this down first, to be sure we understand it.

According to Dictionary.com, Gruel is A thin watery porridge, or Chiefly British Severe punishment. That said, maybe s/he meant to say that s/he spewed their gruel after reading my site, or that until January 20th, Bush should forego water boarding me, and hand me over to the British for another form of severe punishment. Thoughts?

I couldn't find Politially on Dictionary.com. I hate to assume, but I'm almost positive s/he meant that s/he was politically ill after reading my "hate mongering" site.

It's true that I dislike evangelicals, zealot fundamentalists in any form. I do celebrate religion and those who practice religion that doesn't infringe on my political rights. I'm a practicing Jew for chrissakes. Two of my favorite people are fiercely religious, one is an Episcopal Priest and another is a devout Catholic. We're very supportive of each other's religious freedoms and have dished religion plenty. I've learned a lot from these two women and I'm wild about them.

What I'd like to know is how I am a "hate monger". To be clear, I am exercising my freedom of speech by writing about things that I am vehemently opposed to and support like: Overturning Proposition 8. Supporting Obama. Castrating the right wing for voter tampering. Calling republicans repubtards. Running a McCunt essay contest on my blog. Supporting a woman's right to choice. Stem cell research, and a slew of other causes and issues.

I think s/he, the author of this email should meet the broad who left this comment last night:

"O my god! You are a Jew! Don't you feel bad about that? Don't you know that the Jews murdered our Lord? Get yourself together and turn to the right religion before it's too late, girl!"

Yes, I am a JEW, a big screaming proud Jew. Jesus was a Jew, too, sugartits. Just an FYI, I think you might want to re-read your bible because we didn't murder Jesus. Jew-on-Jew killing ain't how we roll, yo.

PS: The proper term for "O my god" is "OMG" or "Oh my God", just a lil FYIer for ya.

Tomorrow, you must stop by. I scored an interview with the Editor-In-Chief of Farmhouse Magazine that I will be posting, and, and, and, their first anthology hits newsstands on November 10th!

California Evangelicals Can Suck My Ovaries

2008-11-08T09:30:00.000-08:00

How California can vote for hope and change in one column and for discrimination and injustice in another is so far beyond my comprehension, I'm still shocked and nauseous.

Do Californians not know from the Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. Say it with me, EEEEEEQQQUUUAAAAL. Not, equal, but, or equalish, or equal by my personal definition. EQUAL, full stop.

Hello, what about the fucking Constitution? Ever read that? Here's a link. Knock yaselves out.

We have to get involved and do everything in our power to stop this. Here's the dish: Revoke LDS Church 501 (c) (3) Status, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has gone too far in substantial activities to influence legislation.

Read the official Prop 8 Letter California and Same Sex Marriage. Add your notes to the pre-filled Tax-Exempt Organization Complaint (Referral) Form and email it eoclass@irs.gov.

Donate to Proposition 8 and help in the fight against discrimination and hate.

Sign the petition to Overturn Proposition 8.

At some future time: We shall rest easy tomorrow if we work for peace today

2008-11-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

349/173—by 176 points, the landslide I wished and voped for.

I was watching MSNBC on election night. When Obams went from 170 to 230, they called it, and announced that Obama had won the election. I was in tears and finally felt like my vote counted. I was so proud to be a part of this American history-- In my lifetime, I never thought I'd be privileged enough to witness such a historic event on so many levels. The nation felt healed and the world celebrated. Every moment thereafter, his numbers increased as red states turned blue... it was magnificent.

After winning the election, I realized that Obama raised the bar of what I expect from my politicians. He eradicated good ol' boy politicking and made damn sure I knew that I had the right to make my elected officials accountable and to take responsibility for their actions.

Hope and prosperity are embedded into the foundation of this country, that's true. Unfortunately antiquated politics buried it for many years with stale, empty promises, lies and secrecy. On Nov. 4 those roots erupted in a surge of democracy and were victoriously restored.

Obama proved that goodness, brilliance and persistence pay off. Anything is possible. Nothing is outside of our reach. Dreams do come true and the world isn’t as ugly as it feels sometimes.

The GOP is reeling, clueless about how to play this game, the one where they need to man the fuck up and behave with integrity and ethics, and work alongside American citizens to make this country great again. Now, they're throwing Palin under the bus-- I don't mind though, because she's shameonnaise, a woman hating sandwich condiment. However, it would be nice if they grew up and figured out the best thing to do is... CHANGE.

Title reference Dictionary.com

YES WE CAN!

2008-11-04T13:05:00.000-08:00

Such a beautiful video.

[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

OBAMA VOTING

2008-11-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

Beautiful....

Don't forget: Calfornia voters, NO ON PROP 8
Vote OBAMA/BIDEN (Bottom of the ticket in CA)

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LOS ANGELES VOTERS PAY ATTENTION

2008-11-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

If you haven't voted yet, OBAMA/BIDEN is at the BOTTOM of the ticket, be super careful and pay very close attention when you vote! Vote, baby vote! IT WAS AWESOME!

Rachel Maddow on Poll Tax

2008-11-03T11:55:00.001-08:00

Love this broad.... She's right.

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ELECTION PREDICTIONS: PUNDITS WEIGH IN

2008-11-03T11:33:00.000-08:00

More from HuffPo. A'course only one schmuck thinks McPainInTheAss will actually win. Gaaaaahd.

Matthew Dowd
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 338 McCain 200
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 250 Democrats 185 Republicans

George Will
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 378 McCain 160
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 254 Democrats 181 Republicans

Donna Brazile
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 343
Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 39 Republicans
House Seats: 262 Democrats 173 Republicans

George Stephanopoulos
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 353 McCain 185
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats (59 if there's a run-off in Georgia)
Republicans 40 House Seats: Democrats 264 Republicans 171

Mark Halperin
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 349 McCain 189
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 261 Democrats 174 Republicans

Chris Matthews
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 338 McCain 200
Senate Seats: 56 Democrats 42 Republicans
House Seats: 264 Democrats 171 Republicans

Nate Silver
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 347 McCain 191
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 258 Democrats 177 Republicans

Chris Cillizza
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: 312 McCain 226
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 266 Democrats 169 Republicans

Arianna Huffington
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 318 McCain 220
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 254 Democrats 181 Republicans

Fred Barnes
Winner: McCain
Electoral College: Obama 252 McCain 286
Senate Seats: 55 Democrats 43 Republicans
House Seats: 255 Democrats 180 Republicans

Eleanor Clift
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 349 McCain 189
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 265 Democrats 170 Republicans

Markos Moulitas
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 390 McCain 148
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 268 Democrats 167 Republicans

Ed Rollins
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 353 McCain 185
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 249 Democrats 186 Republicans

Paul Begala
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 325 McCain 213
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans

James Carville
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 330 McCain 208
Senate Seats: 60 Democrats 38 Republicans

Charles Mahtesian (National Politics Editor, Politico.com)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 311 McCain 227
Senate Seats: 56 Democrats 42 Republicans
House Seats: 256 Democrats 179 Republicans

Morton Kondracke
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 379 McCain 159
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 269 Democrats 166 Republicans

David Plotz (Editor, Slate)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 336 McCain 202
Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 39 Republicans
House Seats: 257 Democrats 178 Republicans

Alex Castellanos (Republican media consultant)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 318 McCain 220
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 42 Republicans

Dan Gerstein (Democratic media consultant, former manager of Sen. Joe Lieberman's re-election campaign)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 318 McCain 220
Senate Seats: 55 Democrats 43 Republicans
House Seats: 260 Democrats 175 Republicans

Tom Doherty (New York Republican consultant)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 331 McCain 207
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 42 Republicans
House Seats: 255 Democrats 180 Republicans

Robert Y. Shapiro (Columbia University political scientist)
Winner: Obama
Popular Vote: Obama 53 McCain 47
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 259 Democrats 176 Republicans

Robert Erickson (Columbia University political scientist)
Winner: Obama
Popular Vote: Obama 52.5 McCain 47.5
Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 253 Democrats 182 Republicans

Alan Abramowitz (Emory University political scientist)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 361 McCain 177
Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 40 Republicans (with a run-off in Georgia)
House Seats: 256 Democrats 179 Republicans

[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

FINAL PRESIDENTIAL POLLS

2008-11-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

From HuffPo: Final Presidential Polls. Work a phone bank, volunteer. Get the dish here.

New national polls on the last day of the race:
Hotline: Obama 50, McCain 45
Ipsos/McClatchy: Obama 50, McCain 42
Daily Kos/Research 2000: Obama 51, McCain 45
Marist: Obama 53, McCain 44
WSJ/NBC: Obama 51, McCain 43

[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

DO NOT LET INTIMIDATION STAND IN THE WAY OF YOUR RIGHT TO VOTE!

2008-11-03T10:02:00.000-08:00

We all know what a scandaliciouos scumbag John McCain in the ass is and how disgusting and deceitful the repubtards are as a rule, so we shouldn't be shocked by the article below. They've been licking Satan's cum stains from their faces for how many years now? However, they have found a way to sink even lower. This article nauseated me. Shameless bunch'o bitches.

Voters Across Nation Hit by Dirty Tricks

By DEBORAH HASTINGS, AP

In the hours before Election Day, as inevitable as winter, comes an onslaught of dirty tricks — confusing e-mails, disturbing phone calls and insinuating fliers left on doorsteps during the night.

The intent, almost always, is to keep folks from voting or to confuse them, usually through intimidation or misinformation. But in this presidential race, in which a black man leads most polls, some of the deceit has a decidedly racist bent.

Complaints have surfaced in predominantly African-American neighborhoods of Philadelphia where fliers have circulated, warning voters they could be arrested at the polls if they had unpaid parking tickets or if they had criminal convictions.

Over the weekend in Virginia, bogus fliers with an authentic-looking commonwealth seal said fears of high voter turnout had prompted election officials to hold two elections — one on Tuesday for Republicans and another on Wednesday for Democrats.

In New Mexico, two Hispanic women filed a lawsuit last week claiming they were harassed by a private investigator working for a Republican lawyer who came to their homes and threatened to call immigration authorities, even though they are U.S. citizens.

"He was questioning her status, saying that he needed to see her papers and documents to show that she was a U.S. citizen and was a legitimate voter," said Guadalupe Bojorquez, speaking on behalf of her mother, Dora Escobedo, a 67-year-old Albuquerque resident who speaks only Spanish. "He totally, totally scared the heck out of her."

In Pennsylvania, e-mails appeared linking Democrat Barack Obama to the Holocaust. "Jewish Americans cannot afford to make the wrong decision on Tuesday, Nov. 4," said the electronic message, paid for by an entity calling itself the Republican Federal Committee. "Many of our ancestors ignored the warning signs in the 1930s and 1940s and made a tragic mistake."

Laughlin McDonald, who leads the ACLU's Voting Rights Project, said he has never seen "an election where there was more interest and more voter turnout, and more efforts to suppress registration and turnout. And that has a real impact on minorities."

The Obama campaign and civil rights advocacy groups have signed up millions of new voters for this presidential race. In Ohio alone, some 600,000 have submitted new voter registration cards.

Across the country, many of these first-time voters are young and strong Obama supporters. Many are also black and Hispanic.

Activist groups say it is this fresh crop of ballot-minded citizens that makes some Republicans very nervous. And they say they expect the dirty tricks to get dirtier in final hours before Tuesday.

"Oh, there's plenty of time for things to get ugly," said Zachary Stalberg, president of The Committee of Seventy, a Philadelphia-based government watchdog group that is nonpartisan.

Other reports of intimidation efforts in the hotly contested state of Pennsylvania include leaflets taped to picnic benches at Drexel University, warning students that police would be at the polls on Tuesday to arrest would-be voters with prior criminal offenses.

In his Jewish neighborhood, Stalberg said, fliers were recently left claiming Obama was more sympathetic to Palestinians than to Israel, and showed a photograph of him speaking in Germany.

"It shows up between the screen door and the front door in the middle of the night," Stalberg said. "Why couldn't someone knock on the door and hand that to me in the middle of the day? In a sense, it's very smartly done. The message gets through. It's done carefully enough that people might read it."

Such tactics are common, and are often impossible to trace. Robo-calls, in which automated, bogus phone messages are sent over and over, are very hard to trace to their source, say voting advocates. E-mails fall into the same category.

In Nevada, for example, Latino voters said they had received calls from people describing themselves as Obama volunteers, urging them to cast their ballot over the phone.

The calls were reported to Election Protection, a nonprofit advocacy group that runs a hot line for election troubles. The organization does not know who orchestrated them.

"The Voting Rights Act makes it a crime to misled and intimidate voters," said McDonald. "If you can find out who's doing it, those people should be prosecuted. But sometimes it's just difficult to know who's doing what. Some of it's just anonymous."

Trying to mislead voters is nothing new.

"We see this every year," said Jonah Goldman of the advocacy group Lawyers' Committee for Civil Rights Under Law. "It all happens around this time when there's too much other stuff going on in the campaigns, and it doesn't get investigated."

In 2006, automated phone calls in the final days leading to the federal election wrongly warned voters they would not be allowed to vote without a photo ID. In Colorado and Virginia, people reported receiving calls that told them their registrations had expired and they would be arrested if they showed up to vote.

The White House contest of 2004 was marked by similar deceptions. In Milwaukee, fliers went up advising people "if you've already voted in any election this year, you can't vote in the presidential election." In Pennsylvania, a letter bearing what appeared to be the McCandless Township seal falsely proclaimed that in order to cut long voting lines, Republicans would cast ballots on Nov. 2 and Democrats would vote on Nov. 3.

E-mail assaults have become increasingly popular this year, keeping pace with the proliferation of blogging and Obama's massive online campaign efforts, according to voting activists.

"It is newer and more furious than it ever has been before," Goldman said.

And Republicans are not exempt. "Part of it is that election campaigns are more online than ever before," said Goldman. "During the primaries, a lot of Web sites went up that seemed to be for (GOP candidate Rudy) Giuliani, but actually were attack sites."

New York City's former mayor and his high-profile colleagues Fred Thompson and Mitt Romney were also targeted in fake Internet sites that featured "quotes" from the candidates espousing support for extreme positions they never endorsed.

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Adventures in Repubtardism

2008-11-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of the great Randal Graves, PALIN PUNKED! Prank Call with Fake French President Sarkozy.

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The Perfect American Family

2008-11-02T07:50:00.001-08:00

I want to feel proud to be an American again. To me, the Obama family represents the best of America. He has got to win on Tuesday, November 4th. I kvell and get the chills every time I see pictures of them. Win, baby, win!

[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

God Save The Queens

2008-11-02T07:48:00.001-08:00

BEST OBAMA POSTER EVAH. Halloween night in WeHo.

[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

Is This Cunty?

2008-11-02T06:51:00.000-08:00

The non-sequitur post from hell.

If I was paying for an opinion, I'd fill out a survey or log into a Dr. Phil forum, or ask a friend.

When I check-out at a store, all I want to be asked is, cash, credit or check?

"Should you really be buying pretzels", wholey Foods clerkcunt asks. Between us, Glutino Pretzels are gluten/vegan free noshies ta'die for, and one of the greatest organic, diet worthy, health conscious foods created. Not to be eaten every day, but if you want to feel like you're having a real snack on a Saturday afternoon or whenever, they're delish.

Back to clerkcunt. "How is the food I buy any of your business?" I asked. "I see you in here a lot and you always buy fresh veggies and fruit. I assumed you were on a diet. Why sabotage yourself?"

I walked right over to a manager and said, "Your clerk is stalking me." After explaining what happened, he apologized. We walked back over to clerkcunt. The manager said "Apologize to our customer. Customers buy whatever they want. If she wants to make bad food choices, that's her responsibility, not ours."

"YOU CALL THAT AN APOLOGY?!" I screamed. "You and your fucking store clerk can suck my ovaries, lick the urine from the folds of my labia and rim my pre-showered asshole." (It was 7AM, it seemed like a logical response.)

They offered to give me my groceries for free. In this economy, I should've accepted. Instead, I chose never to go back to that Whole Foods again. I've banned how many WF's now? The shame.

Maybe I'm overly sensitivo at my current weight. I really don't know. Here's how I feel about the matter: Fuck their eyeballs with salty cum. Spiders should screw each other's brains out inside their nostrils and line their sinuses with spidey babyballs before exiting. They should shit slugs, worms and scabies.

The scent wafting from scented candles gets stuck in your neck if you burn while sleeping. So gross. Never burning a scented candle again, Illume or other. Not. Going. To. Happen.

Space trash the size of a refrigerator is careening towards earth and scheduled to arrive in the Earth's atmosphere late Sunday. A year and a half ago, an astronaut tossed it overboard.

"NASA and the U.S. Space Surveillance Network are tracking the object - a 1,400-pound tank of toxic ammonia coolant thrown from the International Space Station - to make sure it does not endanger people on Earth. Exactly where the tank will inevitably fall is currently unknown, though it is expected to re-enter Earth's atmosphere Sunday afternoon or later that evening, NASA officials said." Let me make sure I understand this. A toxic ammonia coolant is watching the object speed towards earth to make sure it doesn't endanger us, but they are clueless about where it's going to land. Ah, now I get it. Right. Makes perfect sense. Moving along.

"This has got a very low likelihood that anybody will be impacted by it," said Mike Suffredini, NASA's space station program manager, in an interview. "But still, it is a large object and pieces will enter and we just need to be cautious. If anybody found a piece of anything on the ground Monday morning, I would hope they wouldn't get too close to it," Suffredini said. Suffredini, are you fucktarded? Did you miss Creepshow?

"As a matter of course, we don't throw things overboard haphazardly," Suffredini said. "We have a policy that has certain criteria we have to meet before you can throw something overboard." Really? You sure about that? Cause it sounds a whole lot like toxic ammonia coolant is a no-no and shouldn't have been discarded. "Oops." Isn't really going to cut it, sweetie.

My sister made a great point about Halloween. She went trick-or-treating with friends and their loin fruit. She said, "We teach our kids never to talk to talk to strangers or eat candy from a stranger, or enter their residence. On Halloween, we take them out to do that very thing. So weird."

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FUCKING VOTE

2008-11-01T09:57:00.000-07:00

I overheard a disturbing conversation the other day between two broads "The lines are soooo long for early voting, imagine how long they will be on Nov 4th? I might just blow it off."

DO NOT BLOW IT OFF. ANYONE WHO THINKS THEIR VOTE DOESN'T COUNT, LEMME TELL YAS, IT COUNTS.

VOTE. VOTE. VOTE.

Do not leave your vote in the hands of others. This is our country and we need to reclaim it (that was so Barbara Streisand meets Shirley MacLaine).

Seriously, peeps... Vote!

[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

Thanks for the links, Frannygirl!

Barack Obama's Infomercial

2008-10-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

If you missed it, here it is. Watch it for inspiration, hope and the promise of change, something I do believe This One will actually deliver.

I'm so proud of my family. Each has been proactively involved in his campaign, from donating money to volunteering and getting the message out there: VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA and JOE BIDEN.

Sex and Politics

2008-10-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

From my friend Patrick, Cabbage Patch Politics: Where McCain and Obama Can Both Win. Ha.

Obama Leads or Is Tied in 8 Key States, fab.

If we can turn our heads for just a wee minute from politics to, oh, I don't know, SEX. I have some delicious dish. My good friend Al Sensu is dispensing SEX ADVICE on Hard and Fast. Oh, man, this child was born to drop pearls of cum laced wisdom. Check it out, yo. You will not be disappointed:

Deep Throat (you want to do it or get it), Anal Angst (how many times have we all said that?), I Lost my Female Best Friend (awww. I feel for the guy).

After the read, e-stalk Al for advice. I have. Knock wood, I can now suck a bagel through an Asian man's cock. We all need a trick of the trade.

God, I hope my father doesn't read that last bit...

God Save the Queens

2008-10-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

Palin Effigy Prompts Visit From Feds. West Hollywood, home of the brave and the proud is making a bold statement against Palin and McCain, a duo that wants to pray the gay away and send hold-outs to a remote island. In response, the Feds came for a social call? I digress. And. It's Hall-a-fuckin-ween. The parade will be filled with Palin and McCain drag queens done right for a change, and for less than 150K in clothing and 28K in make-up.

Are they kidding? The Feds.

As Promised to September's McCunt Essayists

2008-10-28T19:27:00.000-07:00

We announced the September McCunt essay contest winner, Frannygirl and the October McCunt essay winner, DrugMonkey.

As an added bonus, we are giving (love saying we, especially when we all fucking know we is just me) September's essayists one more shot at winning! That's right, beautiful babies, you have until this time next Tuesday to vote for the three following essays:

1) Sometimes I want to call Cindy McCain a Cunt, too by writer and renaissance man JDC of Democracy hypocrisy.

2) I am John McCunt and I approve this message by writer diva of Pulp Friction.

3) McMunt's Idea of Health Care Reform by writer and man of moxie squared, Rick of Traveling Man Rick.

Here's the deal, children, leave your votes in the comments section for each of the essays you are voting for. You have one week. Only new votes are counted, so get ta'steppin, yo!

Loving,
Schwartzy

And the Winner of October's McCunt Essay Contest

2008-10-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

Is.... DRUG MONKEY!!!

DM, you have won a dozen Bojamacakes courtesy of baking goddess Jintrinsique. CONGRATULATIONS, TOOTS! Thank you for your wonderful essay, If you Listen Closely as you Read This, You can Hear me Reaching Hard to Create Three, I May Have Turn a Rotar Cuff.

I would also like to thank your fierce competitors, essayists Fredrick Schwartz of Hell's Leading Newspaper, the Dis-Brimstone and Mister Mister of one of the net's finest poli reads, Earth Observation. You rocked it, beautiful babies.

Thank you, Drug Monkey and CONGRATULATIONS, ya big stud.

PoliToons and Such

2008-10-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

My good friend, Lewchieloo of Democracy Hypocrisy made this fabulous Palinazi politoon for The Vey. Thank you, dollface. Loooove it.

New vegan discovery of the week that even meataterians and vegetarians would dig, roasted tomato and red pepper soup. Ta-fuckin-die-for delish and thick. If you have a sensitivo stomach and get acid reflux easily, you'll need a ruhlaahds (rolaids) back. I'm just sayin'.

I was just thinking.... Diva Jood, Helen Wheels and Hilly live in my neck of the woodsish and I think we should start a monthly or six-weekerly coffee sesh.

@AlizaSherman from Twitter, a fabgal, posted a tweet this week about the Women Respond to Palin website. Check it out, yo. They're having a live webathon on October 30th. Women will be performing their letters to Palinoscopy. Some of us should get involved. You disagree? Pcunt hardly represents the best of the vadge community. Unless, of course, you're a woman who hates women, then I suppose Palin would be your archetype. Excuse me while I vomit.

Courtesy of @Mickeleh on Twitter, I was updated about all of this dish: As the global market spirals into what feels like an inevitable depression with no hope of a Prozac comeback, I was outraged to learn that the repubes spent over 150K on clothing this bitch, and close to 30K on her make-up. Shouldn't America's #1 hockey mom be draped in Wal-Mart specials? Jaclyn Smith is as designeree as she should get. Palinunt even responded to the media elite, justifying her actions by accusing them of sexism. Wouldjya look who's calling the kettle beige?! She's the most sexist, misogynistic cunt in America today, topping only Anne Cunter. I was thrilled to read in the Washington Post that the majority of Americans how see Palin in a negative light. And even more delighted to read about an Internal Palin Insurgency McCain is dealing with. They're imploding, I love it.

Who didn't love this SNL video?

I thought it was brilliant!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a shit load of blog reading to catch up on and comments to respond to. Vat else is Schwartzy doing today? Erranding, painting my kitchen, maybe. Or a new knitting project. What do we think?

"Hey, Katie, nobody gives a shit." I know. Gaaaaahd. I'm converbating. Ha. Ah, I'm so shortbus sometimes.

Do not forget to vote for the final three in October. The winner will be announced on Monday! And you'll also have an opportunity to vote for three of September's essays, too. Yay.

I was Humiliated!

2008-10-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Today, I was humilareena and her friends, Shame, Oh The Shame, and You Shameful Snatch.

Seriously. What happened today is so embarrassing I wasn't going to blog it until my sister said, "How can this shamevent be off limits when you so freely blog about menses."

The girl has a point.

I scheduled an appt with the cable man today because I needed him to switch out my boxes (that is not an innuendo, schmucks). My DVR was tiling and squeezing up when I'd change the channels. It also incessantly froze and garbled. Being a lazy bitch who doesn't really give a shit, I wasn't bothered.... for six-months.

At 10 AM, cabletard enters the premises on time (shock of shocks). He's pleasant enough and clean-cut. Having had cable / Internet issues to the degree that I have had with AT&T, I wanted him to stay and make sure that my Internet connection didn't go down and that I knew how to work the new DVR box. Being a busy boy, he got a little snippy. I needed to shut snipparena down, so I handed him 20 bucks and said please just make sure everything works, okay?

He took the 20 and coyly said, "Um, I don't want to... ya know... like, um, well" He was blushing, blushing, blushing. And then I realized what he thought the 20 was for.

I guffawed and said, "WAIT A FUCKIN' MINUTE, YOU THINK I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME? YOU THINK I'D PAY 20 BUCKS FOR YOU TO FUCK ME?!"

He heartily laughed it off and said, "Well, yeah."

YEAH?!

Are you fucking mother fucking cock sucking kidding me?!

As my friend Izzy said, "For 20 bucks, the most I'd ask you to do is strip down to your tool belt and dance for me." If, if, if that, ever.

I was so angry, I wanted to grab a baseball bat. Instead, I said, "I DO NOT PAY FOR SEX. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW WITH YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. LOOK AT ME? WHAT DID YOU THINK? I WAS SOME DESPERATE FAT CHICK LOOKING FOR SOME CABLE-COCK?! GOD DAMMIT. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU, YOU CABLE PULLING, BASEMENT DWELLING, INTERNET SCREWER UPPER."

At this point, he scurried into the corner like a banished five-year-old for spilling milk. I was even more infuriated with him for being such a fucking pussy, so I screamed, "Just do your fucking job and make sure everything works and then leave."

My Internet did go down three times and 30-minutes later everything was up and running. Now, mutually humiliated, he grabbed his things and scurried out the door. But, before he did, I gave him another guilt-$20 (in this economy, Schwartz? Guilt is a powerful weapon of mass distraction, so yeah.).

Say it with me, oh, the shame, humilareena....

FROM A SCHWARTZ

2008-10-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

HA. I love it. A Schwartz sent it to me. I can't say which one cause, ya know, the Schwartz who sent it wants to remain anony. Out of respect for that Schwartz, I'll shut my pie-hole.

HOW FUCKING FUNNY AND FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS is this picture?!?!?! Ah, I love it.

Thanks for sending, Schwartzy.

Surprise!

2008-10-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

Some people love a paraaaahd. Me, I love a surprise.

This is a surprise that will make all McCunt essay cuntestants very happy, I think. I hope. Wait, was that too flat? Let me jhush that sentence up.

All McCunt essay cuntestants from October and September are getting a second chance to WIN a dozen Bojamacakes. Are you plotzing? Me, too.

Miss Frannylish, September's cuntest winner is living proof of how fabulous Jintrinsique's cupcakes are. Just ask her.

Here's the dish:

1) Starting today, Monday, October 20th, you have one more week to vote for each of October's essays. Leave your votes in comments, please. The winner will receive one dozen Bojamacakes.

For Katie Schwartz: 3 Cunts and 3 New Words and a Curious Insight Into the Kind of Woman that May Trip John McCain's Trigger, written by Fredrick Schwartz of Hell's Leading Newspaper The Dis Brimstone.

If you Listen Closely as you Read This, You can Hear me Reaching Hard to Create Three, I May Have Turn a Rotar Cuff, written by DrugMonkey of your Pharmacist May Hate You

500 Cunterific Words from the One The Only Mr. Mxyzptlk, written by Mister Mister of Earth Observation.

I'm not finished yet. WAIT.

2) Beginning Monday, October 27th, you will have one week to vote for September's essays (except Frannygirl's because she won), written by Travelingman Rick, PulpFriction and JDC. The winner will also receive one dozen Bojamacakes.

Fab enough fah ya?!

Good luck everyone! You all kick mothah fuckin' ass. Every single entry rocked my world.

The Thrill of Insomnia

2008-10-19T00:42:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with a very dear friend today and one of the things we discussed, I'm paraphrasing, was the concept that everything happens for a reason and that there are no coincidences. I've always been conflicted about those two ideas.

Often, I wonder, If I am in charge of my own destiny, why would I choose to derail myself with Graves' disease? Then I back flip and ask myself, If I'm not in charge of my destiny, why was this placed in my life? After yet another back flip, I ask, How can I control IT instead of IT controlling me? As you can see, I still haven't answered my own damn questions and remain conflicted.

In my opinion, I don't believe we create illness. I don't think we ask for illness to overtake our bodies and shift the course of our lives. I don't think illness serves a greater good. Just as I don't think there's an upside to death. Losing someone you love is horrific, full stop. Admittedly, I am the worst at facing death head on and saying "Hi there. How ya doin'? Thanks for your time and for stopping by. You took my beloved. That's cool. Carry on. Have fun together. I'll catch ya later."

No, no, no. I hang on too tight. I haven't made peace with who I've lost. I do regard this as a shortcoming, definitely, and as a lack of maturity, perhaps. I am learning how to create a better relationship with death. However, I'm not sure I'll ever get to that zenny higher self, higher-whatever-the-fuck, place. I'm not being pessimistic, on the contrary. I'm selfish. I want who I love to be here with me, not there, wherever you regard there as being. I want to see, touch, feel and smell the people I love as often as possible. I can be cunty in that regard.

I do think we have choices about how we manage what we can't control. As my mother incessantly drills into my head process, process, process. She would be right. Managing choices is a process. Speaking for myself, when I was first diagnosed with Graves' disease and how I am dealing with it today aren't yet night and day, but there is a recent marked difference. I attribute that to Shrinktail, time, frustration and genuine support from the people who know me and love me.

So, back to my original questions, does it boil down to faith? And, if it does, what if faith in myself, in God and in people has been provoked to the point of what feels like delirium? Then what? If faith doesn't factor into the equation, what do I believe?

Hmmm....
Katie?
Kaaatie?
Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatie?
Wait. Gaaahd, I'm thinking. Geez Louise, give a girl 5-minutes, wouldjya?
Can I pee first? The walk will do me good.
Fine. Fine. Fine.

I'm back.
Okay.

I do not think everything happens for a reason. From a purely scientific perspective, it's illogical. As Bukowski wrote, What matters most is how well we walk through the fire, essentially, managing what crosses our path. To that end, there is always an opportunity to take what we're confronted with and learn from it, I think. As for faith... it's on the mend, I hope.

Jewgirliva = Jewgirl Trivia

2008-10-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

DivaJood has tagged me for the eleven things you don't know about me meemish. This is going to be tough. What haven't we discussed, really? We schlep down Schwartz Lane so often, dishing menses, family, Graves', writing, life, love (lack thereof), naybahs, and so much more. I can't say no to Jood though, she's far too fabulous. And, yes, I am tagging others, so yas best be ready. If you haven't read her meem, you should, it's delightful.

1. Clothes Shop: At the minee, I'm not shopping for clothes because I'm too busy getting my sphere-on. However, all that's changing. Slowly, of course. Anyway, I'm whoring myself to any shoe shop that will have me. Though, I am going for comfort fit, I'm pleased to announce that I still have a degree of taste in that department.

2. Furniture Shop: Please, are you new? Say it with me. What is Schwartzy's love when it comes to furn and tchoch? Come on, you know.... V-I-N-T-A-G-E. Specifically, Eames chairs, armoirs and end/side tables, 40s-30s couches and kitchen tables, 60s lamps and 20s-30s mirrors, statues of women and campy tchoch, 70s and depression glass.

3. Sweet: I'm not doing dairy and I'm low gluten. However, thanks to my sister, Ker, I have discovered Uncle Eddie's vegan peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and eat three a week. They are off the mothah' fuckin' hook delicious.

4. City: Well, let's see. My heart is in New York. My body is in Los Angeles. My brain often wanders to Machu Picchu.

5. Drink: Evolution Apple Juice, Fiji Water and ginger-fuckin-ale.

6. Music: Everything, seriously. Eminem, Billie Holiday, Alicia Keys, Yo-Yo Ma, Joni Mitchell, Regina Carter, KD Lang. The list is so long, oy.

7. TV Series: Monk, Sex and the City, Mad Men, True Blood, Dexter, Little Britain, South Park, Brothers & Sisters, Grey's Anatomy, Testees, Six Feet Under, Arrested Development, Rescue Me. Again, I could go on for days, yo.

8. Film: Young Frankenstein, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, The Goodbye Girl, Nothing in Common, The Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover, What Dreams May Come, Like Water for Chocolate, American History X, Requiem for a Dream, etc. etc. etc.

9. Workout: I'm walking a lot and doing a lot of stretchy-floory-yoga-ish exercises. I aspire to get back to running.

10: Pastries: Got any gluten free vegan ones that don't taste like the crack of a sweaty, puckered, ruptured anus?

11. Coffee: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE FOR IT. Okay, this is where things get serious. I percolate squeezed beans from Pete's coffee and top it off with soy vanilla foam or mocha mix and I feel like I'm in heaven. Or, or, or, I will schlep my ass to Pete's or Urth for a vanilla soy double cappuccino on a Saturday and it is bliss in a cup.

I am tagging the following folks to pony up their 11 list using the same questions divajood answered and requested her tag-ees to post. That's fair, right? You betchya.

Cup of Coffey (I owe ya an email, honey)

Daleish

Pulp Friction (She'll figure out a way to polify it)

Telling Secrets

Frannygirl

DCup (I'm not sure if she'll go poli or not, but I'm curious to find out)

MonkeyMucker

Self Help Center

JDC - (He'll find a way to give this a poli-spin)

Hard-And-Fast

Helen Wheels (She'll find a poli spin)

From Cormac Brown

2008-10-17T15:17:00.000-07:00

I have heard from our dear Cormac and he's doing okay. Everyone is holding up as best they can under the circumstances.

He's asked me to please extend his many thanks to DCup, Spartacus and Randal: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I will keep yas posted...

Friday Feel Good About Yourself Day - Yay

2008-10-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Times are tough, no doubt about it, but we're do-gooders, so we want to make a difference in some small way, yes? Yes.

I wanted to pass along a few things that made me feel good about participating in that you might be keen on, too.

My good friend Amy Guth is sooo very close to reaching her fundraising goal for St. Judes Children's Hospital. "Folks we need to talk! My deadline for raising the bulk of funds for the St. Jude Children's Research Hospital Marathon & Half-Marathon is upon us and I'm close to meeting the immediate goal of $2,000. Say 13 of you donated $50? I'd meet the goal today."

What an awesome accomplishment, and for such a beautiful, necessary cause that has touched her very personally. Click over and let's help this fab dame out.

Did you know that today is Free Mammography Day? It is and I've linked you to some resources where you can find out how to get one. Thanks to my friend Roz, I am now looped.

Missy Roz from Say it with eCards has some wonderful free reminders you can email to friends to make sure women know that they are entitled to a free mammogram. Get ta' steppin, we need to save our boobies.

Speaking of boobies... Have you read Larramie's review of Gail Konop Baker's Cancer is a Bitch? Read it. You'll love it.

We have all purchased Gail's book, right? If not, here's the link.

Loving...
Schwartzy

Cormac Writes

2008-10-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

One of our favorite bloggers, Cormac and my online BFF4Evah has suffered a terrible loss in his family. He's written a beautiful eulogy to James. Please click over, give a read and send him your love.

He needs it.

Mind you, he'll whack me for posting this, but HEY, that's what friends do for each other-- lend support in times of need. Yes? Yes.

As I Fantasize About a Sinusectomy

2008-10-15T01:56:00.000-07:00

Let's discuss other creepy and surreal things, shall we? Fab.

First, the above photo is Sarah Palin in her office. Did she whack the bear herself? When she's cold, does she drape the bear over her body so they're lying face to face? The God damned animal's shoulder blades are still intact. And the bear looks like he's fucking the top of her settee. What's happening with the crustacean? Stuffed and real or fake? Did the huntress capture it herself?

Second, 33 Million Dollar home for sale in Bridgehampton. Originally built in 1898 by local nobility Dr. John Gardiner and named Dulce Domum, this country residence was set upon a 20-acre parcel 200 ft. above sea level. The soaring vistas viewed southerly across the farm fields to the ocean and north to the Connecticut shore from the 50 ft. observation tower are breathtaking 475 tons of local rock was used for the base foundation of this 12-bedroom compound, which consists of the considerable main house with multi-level stone terraces, a substantial guest house with a greenhouse conservatory overlooking a botanical nursery and a palatial gunite pool, a substantial barn artist studio with gym, living quarters with a 4-car heated garage. Lovingly restored and renovated in 1998, accommodating every modern amenity conceivable for a first class lifestyle. This dignified gated property consists of three single and separate parcels - all organic, replete with rolling distinguished lawns, walking paths, gardens and tennis retreat with basketball court and playground. A haven of luxury!

I find this to be terribly surreal and have some rhetorical questions. How does one shop for a 30MM dollar home? Do you flip through "For Sale" ads, bypassing homes for 10MM, 15MM and 20MM until you reach the coveted 30MM and say, "Ah, perfect!" Do you look online? Do you put the word out to mega rich friends? Do you email vulgar-displays-of-wealth-realty-and-associates and say, "Hi, I'm in the market for a 30MM house, do you have any for sale?" What do you wear to purchase a 30MM house with 11 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms? What criterion do you look for in a 30MM home? As you browse from room to room, do you actually say things like, "Oh, you know what, the layout of this living room is kind of a deal breaker, it's just too small. I was looking for 10,000 square feet, not 9,784." "There's a weird creak in the upstairs hallway." "I had my heart set on 12 bedrooms, not 11."

What issues could you possibly have with a 30MM home?!

Third, I have been sneezing for three-days straight. If I don't get a reprieve, I'm calling my allergist for a sinusectomy tomorrow.

FOR KATIE SCHWARTZ: 3 CUNTS AND 3 NEW WORDS AND A CURIOUS INSIGHT INTO THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT MAY TRIP JOHN MCCAIN'S TRIGGER

2008-10-13T17:04:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite writers Fredrick Schwartz, spun a yarn for the McCunt essay contest. This was originally posted on one of the most up-to-date, authentic, brilliant news sources online: Editorials from Hell's Leading Newspaper The Dis-Brimstone Daily Pitchfork, a read that you must feed. Consider it truth and liberal soul food.

I was on my way to Denver by way of a chartered Gulfstream V out of the executive jet terminal at Bradley International Airport which is nestled between the cities of Hartford, Connecticut and Springfield, Massachusettes. This has nothing, of course to do with John McCain or the word cunt but it is a timely and pleasant way to introduce the story that I have to tell about my first day at the Democratic National Convention.

The flight was nice the Gulfstream was stocked with the type of alcohol I like to imbibe and the "screwardess" was a very easy on the eyes green eyed brunette at 6' tall and about 160 pounds. I was joined in my journey by a man from Aurora, Colorado who was retuning home from a trip to Hartford. He's in insurance and was really a treat breaking out the backgammon set for three and a half hours of betting that saw me drop around 300 dollars all told. The gentlemen asked me not to use his name but did give me his card. The best part sports fans is that he is a reader of the Daily Pitchfork.

We were halfway through our first heated match and I was up when he asked me what I did and I told him the truth. I showed him my press credentials and clearly they had the otherworldly sort of look to them being half in Hellac and half in English. All of this is above board and well within the rules for the deceased. I did not show him any negagraphs of the latest Torture League final but I did display a hologram of my girlfriend Terri. This made him laugh so hard he had to take a sip of his 151 and Coke to compose himself. Trapped in a flying plastic and aircraft aluminum tube with walnut trim I could tell him anything I wanted about Hell and so I did.

I asked him after exposing myself as a dead journalist who lives and works and fucks his girlfriend in Hell who he was going to vote for in the November election. The casually well dressed man who likely netted about half a million clams a year said without missing a beat, "Barack Obama." He went on, as he kicked my ass and took some of the Dis Brimstone's money, to explain that even at his rate of income the Obama tax plan was more progressive and would put so much money back in the pockets of the middle class that he would be a fool not to vote for Obama. Okay you bunch of howler monkeys I knew that already but to hear it from someone who is going to have their taxes raised was refreshing.

This was only half the fun. After about two hours the flight attendant, Grace, was bored and decided to "impose herself" on us as we cast dice with reckless abandon. She has never heard the Nantucket limerick in its entirety so as I finished with, " . . . if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it" I thought the fortyish woman would come unglued and jiggle right out of her very well fitted uniform. Quickly the conversation went back to politics especially the Middle East and how it relates to Senator McCain and Senator Obama in their race for the White House. My new found friend pointed out that McCain has a very specific policy regarding Israel and he wondered what my opinion of the facts that he laid out being close to several prominent members of both Likud and Labour-Meimad. This man who up to this point could have passed as goyyim anywhere in the free world said McCain has a taste in his mouth for Tzipi Livni and her policies regarding Jerusalem and Gaza. I sat back, eyes wide, totally ignoring that the man had rolled boxcars on me erasing my lead in pips.

He smiled a thin smile being puckish now as he had my full attention after explaining to the flight attendant just who the hell Tzipi Livni is. "Of course nothing would ever happen," he chuckled, "but it is a chip to have on your side if you like Kadima and how they've botched relations with Palestine. He leaned in as I ticked off my lousy roll of 3, "If Livni replaces Olmert, which is a given because Mofaz is too eager to bomb Iran, and McCain is in the White House as President in 2009 there will be UN troops working as "advisors" all over the Palestinian Authority before the end of 2010. You mark my words. McCain has no interest in the peace process going forward. Ever. Moreover, the prick thinks he can arm twist Kadima's leadership into doing his dirty work at Natanz for him and I can prove every word I say as true.

"The gastrointestinal reaction I had is called "kaaviq" in the Hellac tongue. I politely excused myself and went to the rear of the plane and walked into the lavatory where I stayed a full twelve minutes. The John McCain having the hots for Tzipi Livni thing aside it was verifiable which made it worse. My new best friend was on an AirPhone call to Israel when I came out and he handed me the phone. On the other end was an Israeli politician who Ser Kelso de Panama is very fond of who chatted with me for seven minutes and confirmed most of what the Insurance Mensch had offered. The three minute conversation I had with the man was enlightening to say the least in regard to how Israeli politicians on the Left of center view the McCain solution to the Isreali Palestinian problem.

The rest of the flight was uneventful and as we deplaned on a warm night at Denver Stapleton's private jet terminal the dapper old Jew turned to me and said, "Can you check on someone I know that's dead?" I paused and reached for my BlackBerry™ which is slaved to Pain and said sure gimme a name and a date of birth and I'll see what I can do. "My first wife, Colleen Xxxxxx- xxxx. She took me to the cleaners in 1979. Died of cancer in 2003."

Pain brought it up in a blink, she was working for an investment bank in the 36th arrondissment on Rham and doing quite well for herself. "Figures!" the Insurance Mensch said, "That was always one money loving ambitious cunt!"

Fredrick Schwartz
Managing Editor-Research
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
72 Melnar 2 AS

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How do you like this kid's literary chops?! Kick ass, right? I know. Leave your votes in comments! You have one week to vote for Schwartzy's essay, FOR KATIE SCHWARTZ: 3 CUNTS AND 3 NEW WORDS AND A CURIOUS INSIGHT INTO THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT MAY TRIP JOHN MCCAIN'S TRIGGER.